Comfort

What gives you comfort? Are we as good at identifying what gives us comfort as we are identifying what doesn't? Granted it is a sifting through of experiences, an evolution of time, growth, loss and revelation that lands us there. Sometimes it takes a large amount of discomfort to find our comfort.

Perhaps our comfort level is tied to early childhood experiences. Perhaps it is related to what we are told to do, to be, not to do, or should do to meet expectations. As children comfort should be as available as air to breathe, food on the table, safe boundaries, encouragement and acceptance. Perhaps it is tied to self understanding, personal responsibility and self care. It is owning what works and doesn't work for us. 

So the challenge, for me, and you is to identify and embrace what gives you comfort. Internally and externally. Maybe this is part of why people lose their way in life. They think it's out there, they're entitled, it comes without a price or investment, it should just be given to them. Happiness is an inside job, so is comfort.

I know it may take years to define it, and it changes along the way. We must find it for ourselves. Others can't do that for us. Sure we try to emulate what ours looks like by what it looks like for others. Thinking someone else's looks like they have more, better. Their comfort, experiences, collections of things, or definitions will not fill our individual needs. 

How often do we think, I would be happy if. If I had, this that or the other. If life wasn't so hard, if there weren't struggles, angst and challenges. If so and so would just grow up, do, say, or act differently. If life was fair. If we won the lottery, if our Fairy God Mother would sprinkle happy dust all over us. If, if, if.

Hard questions. Evolving answers. Individual experiences. But my wish is this. That we can scale down the big picture, silence the noise, release the outside expectations. What brings you comfort. Is it simple pleasures? Genuine, consistent connections. It maybe something out there, it may be something small and meaningful right here. It will be different for you than it is for me. Do not dismiss what works for you by seeing what works for others. We are similar, but different. Piece together a life that gives you comfort. Trust the journey, even when we're not sure we understand it or even like it. We are led right where we need to be, with gifts to give, grace to extend and comfort to enjoy.

He Is Risen

It is a day to revel, ponder, grieve, embrace and celebrate that He Is Risen. Most of us connect this amazing verse to our faith life. Some may not have a faith base and wonder at the meaning. Even with a strong faith base we try to wrap our heads around it.

Rising is something bread does. It's something we do each morning God willing. It's a process from sitting to standing. It's stepping up to a challenge. It's what hope does. It lifts us from one place to another, spiritually, metaphorically. Rising is any forward movement towards engaging in life and the blessings it brings us.

It's not a holiday for those who've lost a loved one without a grief wave. The memory of those who gave up on life, who chose not to rise. Or who's illness, or other tragedy, took away their ability to rise. For days the loss may be somewhat in the shadows, only to rise into our hearts again on a holiday, anniversary or a random Tuesday for no specific reason. 

Does it mean we don't celebrate today, or any other day? Nope. We have equal measures of joy and sorrow. Well, hopefully equal measures. Sometimes it takes a while to get to that point. Balance is, if nothing else, subject to change. A goal, not a destination as we grow and change.

So may you rise today. May you grasp life with both hands and embrace it. May you grasp another's hand if your personal grip feels tenuous. Or if someone you know is faltering reach for theirs. May you ask for help when you need it, feeling no shame. May you hold fast knowing it may be hard, but you are not alone and definitely equal to the task.

May you rise as best you are able in faith, confidence and joy. He Is Risen, so we can too. 

Simple Pleasures

What do you like? What gives you joy? What does it take to feel all the feels of these things? Seems like an silly topic, right? Unless, somewhere in life it wasn't safe to feel your feelings. The sad ones, the happy ones, the painful ones, the scary ones. It's possible to go through life without feeling, exhausting, but possible. It's not possible to really live life without feeling. 

I made a list of things I wanted to do this week that give me joy. That made my heart smile, produced laughter and enhanced life in general. One might think making such a list would be easy. For some people no doubt it is. For others it would be impossible. For me, a challenge, but doable. Here is the tricky part, doing them and feeling them. 

I grew up worrying if there was going to be enough, would I be enough. Would I get it right. Imagine the emotional weight of feeling your worth is based on getting everything right? That's heavy right, and made it hard to feel.

I'm keeping my list simple. Pizza & a movie night. I rarely get carry out, so that part was a treat. Easy to accomplish, done and done. Next up, time with friends. Even better entertaining friends which gave me the chance to cook. Then having a friend cook for me. I love that too. Having the chance to walk dogs with my son was an unexpected bonus. Plus we explored a path I'd been wanted to take but hadn't because my sense of direction is under developed. That's the polite way to say never ask me for directions. It was a great hike with awesome company and I learned a new route. Planting pansies is on the list. Did that today. I do love pansies and it reminds me summer gardening is not far away. Writing is on my list, both in my blog (tada!) and in my journal. A random act of kindness is on the list. Trusting an random opportunity will present itself.

These are simple things, simple pleasures. I should not take them for granted and I need to feel all the feels. I have to consciously feel all the feels. Too often we go through the motions without feeling the emotions.

Therein lies a challenge for all of us. Maybe you're an expert at this, maybe you're a novice. Identify some simple pleasures, partake in them, be open to feeling them. You might just find yourself filled with gratitude, openly experiencing life and doing the happy dance. Go for it, feel it, celebrate it. 

The Good Stuff

I have a week off. For a person who isn't always comfortable with that much alone time, it's a challenge. Let me first say, I am more content and relaxed about time spent at home with just the dogs and I. I can honor what feels right and what doesn't. That also said, I tend to stick to a routine which could use some shaking up once in a while. I am a creature of habit. I'm wondering if too much routine is based on the world being a scary place and the need to feel safe in my little bubble.

I read a quote from the APA that stated "the level of stress resulting from the suicide of a loved one is ranked as catastrophic-equivalent to that of a concentration camp experience". That stress does not completely go away, even as we get further out from it. Because of that I cling to what feels safe and struggle with reaching out to other life opportunities. I stick to the basics, have fear of the unknown, and neglect indulging in simple pleasures. Owning it is the first step.

The dogs are my entertainment, my daily source of companionship and physical touch. Plus, they love me unconditionally. They give me a safe place to invest myself in. In return, they are my everything and their needs come first. Their safety is paramount.

So my challenge this week is to step out of my routine and invite some joy, some small indulgences in my life. Part of the challenge is defining what that looks like, part is following through on them.

Of course I share this, because I figure if I struggle with something, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. Circumstances may be different, but the struggle is similar. See also, owning it is the first step. After owning it, let's challenge it's reality, expand it's horizons and trust we are growing just as we are meant to be. Let's move faith forward into expanding our little world. By baby steps, or by leaps and bounds. Finding some joy in the process, trusting we are safe, and opening our hearts to more of the good stuff.

Small World, Big World?

How big is your world? I've been pondering that. Feeling that my world is small. Limited. Often lonely. I find myself comparing my life to others. Okay, I'll own it, I compare it to couples sometimes. I compare it to young adults with big social circles. I compare it to young marrieds who seem to have it all. I look at the people who seem to have golden lives with no struggles. I compare it to people with dual high dollar incomes and opportunities to travel. I compare mine to other peoples life persona's. Because there is no way to know their life reality.

I need to rein those comparisons in. I don't know their reality. Other than it's a really pretty picture from the outside. I do know reality changes over the years. I know I need to make adjustments for "perfect" world dreams and real life normalcy. In the middle of all this is my comfort zone. My faith base, my work and home responsibilities. 

I find myself, or recognize my self introversion. I find I long for connection and social activity, and also feel anxiety in partaking in it. Sometimes safe is home on the sofa with the dogs. Okay, maybe most times. Other times I want to be out there experiencing new things, meeting new people. Finding the balance between one and the other is the rub.

Maybe those with big busy worlds long for smaller slower paced worlds. Maybe they long for quiet time. Just as I long for conversation and the ability to be comfortable sharing my real self. Not just the self who works 40 hours a week meeting work expectations. Life has been hard, and as I've pulled back to protect myself from being vulnerable, being hurt, I've lost confidence and trust. Or, the flip side, is maybe this is the time to really learn to trust myself, be comfortable being myself. Love myself. 

Perhaps a small world is not a bad thing. Maybe people with small worlds can make big differences. Just because life as I once knew it is over, it doesn't mean life in general is over. Life each day is new and different. I need to accept my place in it. I need to learn to feel safe in it. By both stretching myself, and by honoring what I know is true for me. 

Some people would love a small world with all the comforts I enjoy. I need to be one of them. What about you? Big world? Small world? Are you comfortable? Do you need to grow your reality, honor it, or embrace it?

No regret....

They say you can't go forward in life by continuing to look in the rear view mirror. Life is ahead of us not behind. I can't argue with that logic, but I also believe the lessons from the life behind us represent growth opportunities and experiences that take time to process and fully understand. If only learning was instantaneous. Instead it is an introspective process. Sometimes we aren't ready to embrace the lesson until we get further down the road.

Sometimes we make decisions assuming others are the problem without understanding how we influenced it. Sometimes we are spot on with our choices, based either on sound knowledge or trusting our intuition. Sometimes those choices which seem self protective are also self prohibitive with long term losses. They can be both. Life is complicated.

Things/decisions I do not regret. Saying yes to dogs. Thirty years ago I lived under the precept that "we weren't home enough to have a dog". So grateful, as are the dogs I've had the opportunity to love and foster, that I said wait, What? I can make room in my life for dogs. And, I did it in a big way.

I do not regret saying yes to marriage, even though twice it didn't pan out as I hoped and dreamed. Do I believe in it? Yes. Do I know, in spite of human mistakes, that I gave my all. Yes I do. Did it mess with my head, yup. Were they both huge losses, enormously. However, they were not without gifts and graces too many to number.

Do I regret or doubt that all this was divinely led? Not even a little. I am a far cry from practicing the faith I grew up with. Still I Believe. My faith has evolved with my life as it plays out. I know the big guy upstairs holds my hand daily. Just as I know he laughs at my Nancy-isms and blonde moments, leads me gently as I move through my days. Keeping me on the path even though my propensity to wander is strong. Hey girl, c'mon back, must be whispered in my ear daily.

Do I regret taking all this, this life that has been a lot, and sharing it with whoever needs it? Not even. I hope these words find their way to hearts hurting and healing. To hearts needing encouragement. To hearts worrying. To hearts open to being washed in grace. To hearts barely cracking the door to faith and grace. To hearts unsure they can go on. Trust me, we need you. My path is different than yours. But some life lessons transfer like credit from one school of life to another. Carry on, and know you are not alone.

Mindfully, Gently, Lovingly

I don't know about you, but I would guess some of us are more self-critical, than we are self-encouraging. For myself, I can say yes I am to the former, and no I'm not to the latter. For me, part of that is the underlying fear of not getting "it" right. The "it" can be anything. I grew up walking on egg shells to keep the peace. Peace that I was not responsible for. In between keeping the peace I did my best to be "invisible". Or as invisible as possible. Getting "it" right was paramount. I tried and tried, and couldn't keep the peace because it was beyond my control. Peace keeping and closing your self off to the point of invisibility is a heavy, heavy burden to carry. Releasing that weight is work in progress.

There are distinct moments in my life that the feeling of not getting "it" right was absolutely soul crushing. I remember leaving an attorney's office over 20 years ago thinking I had proof that I was dumb as dirt. Not because I was, but because legal matters are complicated and I don't have legal knowledge. My attorney did his job by law, by procedure, but did not connect with compassion. If I could go back in time, I'd find someone who would speak to me, not down to me. I could have also found someone I could trust that pain with to help me process it. At the time I was unable to advocate for myself, and no one advocated for me. I can see it in a different light now.

Other such moments occurred as I grew emotionally and set firm boundaries. It's hard to learn things that should have been taught so long ago. Hard, but not impossible. As I was growing and learning about how I was willing to live life, what I could carry, what I couldn't, my spouse made the choice to give up on life. I think my first words were, and will always be, it didn't have to be this way. Truth, it didn't have to be this way. He was unable/unwilling to advocate for himself, and though I tried, I couldn't do it for him. No more than I could keep the peace. Or stay invisible. It was simply not within my capacity. It didn't have to be this way, and I was unable to prevent it.

The worry of not getting "it" right causes me anxiety. It also gives me a multitude of opportunities to be less self critical and more self loving. I have to be mindful of it, and when my mind is full, I sometimes forget. I heard someone at work say they were terrible at their job. Are they? Nope, but in their head a voice said they didn't get "it" right so they must be terrible.

What does your inner voice say? What does it say when you are sad. What does it say when you are struggling? What does it say when you look in the mirror? What does it say if you have a human moment and don't get "it" right? What does it say when you do great? What does it say when you go to bed at night? How can we be more mindful, more gentle, more accepting of all the parts of ourselves. The parts that get it right and the parts that momentarily don't. How do we extend this grace to ourselves, and to others? I think we do that by listening, by nurturing, and by advocating for ourselves. Some days we will get it right. The other days we embrace as an opportunity to begin again, mindfully, gently, lovingly.