What Matters

I polled some of my facebook friends with the following question....If you were getting married again, what three things would be most important for the celebration. I did say that it was a given that the groom is a good guy. So listing a good guy would not count.

After many responses I queried again because no one mention a lovely dress as a requirement. Only one replied and called me a silly goose. She insists a beautiful dress is absolutely a given. Phfewww....

I did ponder that no men answered my initial question. But then, most of my FB friends are women. And what do women love to talk about? Weddings, well, duh.

We do love to talk about, dream about, read about, fantasized about, plan, wonder and experience weddings. My informal survey confirmed having your kids there (if you are a parent) was mandatory, keeping it simple, make it meaningful for the bride and groom, and incorporating personal tastes were important. All that said, I still admit to feeling funny about planning another wedding.

I do not feel funny about the prospect of being married again. Except for the slight worry that I may not live up to expectation. That reality that some days will really bite, that forgiveness is sometimes much like childbirth (exhausting, painful, requires major expulsion of objects), and lastly that I didn't learn near enough the first time around.


I know I'm much smarter, I just hope in the ways that count. I will say, the older I get, the more amazed I am at really young couples marching down the aisle with no fear, little life experience and rusty common sense. True, true, not all of them are like that. More than enough, but not quite all of them.

Ever notice how no one ever says - hey, how do you keep your marriage alive? Or, wow, what's your secret? Yes, when you hit those really significant anniversaries you get asked for the keys to a long (happy) relationship. But, holy moley, many of need to know this stuff now!

Perhaps life is just like that. We have just enough knowledge to get us to the next life lesson. Lessons are good - they teach us what really matters.

Showers

I went to a bridal shower for my niece last weekend. I must admit I re-gifted at it. Actually it was a family piece I gifted.

All of the brides in my family received a Kitchen Madonna when they got married. As I now had mine and my Mom's it seemed like a good time to pass one on. Now, a Kitchen Madonna is a religious ornament that depicts the Mother of Jesus in the kitchen. I never pondered the fact that Mary had to cook, clean and chase after baby Jesus. My guess is she may have spent more time in the kitchen that I ever have.

I realize that modern brides may not take time to honor Mary with a statue or plaque like us old brides grew up doing. Here is my hope. That my niece be blessed in her kitchen and in all the rooms of her marriage. That she always knows she is loved. That her Kitchen Madonna find some small place of honor in her kitchen. That she remembers many Mother's support her journey in life. That life continues to shower her with blessings.

We all have gifts, and sharing, even regifting, is sometimes a very good thing.

Slow Process

There is a lot to be said for finding love again. Granted, some find it again, and again, and again. But, there is even more to say about finding and keeping it. Keeping it may be the most challenging part.

I'm still learning about what I didn't know the first time around. When you pledge your life to one another it includes good days, bad days, pay days, sick days, rainy days and Mondays. You name it - it includes it.

More than once smothering has sounded like a viable solution. Other times, a contemplative life of silence has it's appeal. We were both sick over the weekend. That sucked. He didn't have the energy to nurture me, I was tempted to, well, you know..... Instead I prayed the Serenity Prayer and waited for the urge to pass. I've always been the one who kept going even if I was sick, so it frustrates me when others don't keep plugging away. I'm thinking we can learn from each other on this issue.

I need to gear down a little and someone who's name has not been mentioned can pick up a little slack. And vice versa. It's part of being life partners. It's part of marriage. It may be a slow process, but we're moving in the right direction.

Just Married

Don't get excited - I'm not making an announcement. And yet, in a way I am. Don't you love it when I'm cryptic?

Here is the deal, the first time you get engaged it quickly escalates into an event planning scenario. You wouldn't, for the most part, dream of getting married without the wedding. The "wedding" becomes the primary focus. The "marriage" goes along for the ride.

This time around, at least for me, in so many ways I am already "married" and the ceremony part whenever it happens is secondary. Mandatory, but secondary.

I'm certain I'm repeating myself, but if only brides invested as much energy into the relationship as the do preparing for the wedding. Oh yes, there should be a prep courses: Compromise 101, Budget Planning, Conflict Resolution, Constructive Criticism, Finding the Balance Between Couple Time and Me Time, Encouragement and Support, Humor in the State of Wedded Bliss, Chore Distribution, Building Faith and Faithfulness. Perhaps even continuing education classes: Keeping Things Spicy (may or may not be a cooking course!), Surviving Parenthood, Romance Building After Marriage, Understanding Man Humor, Understanding Mood Swings, What You Heard is Not What I Said. So many possibilities.

No doubt the wedding vendors, of whom I am one, are shuddering at what I've written. It's not about the dresses, the matching colors, shoes, gifts, decorations, cakes or any other of the 100's of details. Those are the icing on the cake. The key is building the right flavor of the cake....the rest will follow when you are just married.

What It's All About

Okay.  Here's the deal.  The Hokey Pokey may be what it's all about.  But, that song should be reserved for use in government interrogation and torture.  It should especially never be played at weddings, but almost always is.

Yes, I danced the dreaded HP last night at a wedding. It will be the last time I ever do.  Not even if my children beg me on their wedding day, not even if future grandchildren beg me.  I sincerely think a cash exchange of some sort will help them forgive me for not participating.  I can look and feel stupid all on my own, I don't need that song getting rooted in my ear on top of it thank you very much. 

I think I've made my point.  So we know where it won't be played.....phfewwww.

What it is all about is celebrating in ways that make our heart sing, and there a million ways to do that.  For me, a passel of puppies being set loose at the reception would be fun, for Reno passing out cigars, watching Southpark and drinking good beer would do it.  Although the odds of consummating the union would drop dramatically with cigar breath. 

The photo booth at last nights wedding was a blast.  Way more fun that "shaking it all about".  Plus, there is photographic evidence of just how silly we can be.  Life is serious enough.  Laugh more, live more, play more.  And, yes, for the love of God, ban the Hokey Pokey.

Let There Be Cake

I love wedding cake.  Which is funny, because, when I was young (errrr....younger) you only had two choices on wedding cake.  White or Chocolate.  Don't get me wrong those are excellent choices.  Either one, or both, are divine.  Now there are as many choices on wedding cakes as there are applications on an iphone. 

Cake is symbolic of a couples first meal together.  Any meal that starts with dessert is good by me.  Too bad we don't embrace that concept more often.  So often we eat wedding cake without realizing what it means.  It means life is sweet, dessert is anywhere we find it, and everyday is a celebration. 

May I take this opportunity to reflect on the whole "shoving the cake in the face" of your beloved tradition.  Personally, I don't find this funny at all.  Maybe I'm old school.  Maybe couples don't realize the symbolism of sharing the first sweet bite of life together.  True, we often bite off more than we can chew, but let's not force that issue if we don't have too.

So, as to cake - there will be cake.  Perhaps red cake, perhaps white, maybe chocolate.  On the day of the wedding, and every anniversary thereafter.  As sweet as love is, I believe I'll have seconds. 

Family Jewels

Okay, I know just saying those words can evoke lame thoughts and raunchy jokes.  But, truly, I'd like to talk about the family jewels.

You see, a tradition in my family is for all the brides to wear the same diamond lavalier on their wedding day.  If memory serves me right I was the twelfth bride to wear it.  My Mom wore it, cousins wore it, sister-in-laws wore it too.  I'm guessing some have worn it more than once, and I'd like to be one of them.

Now that I've started this blog I can't tell you for sure who bought the necklace, how the tradition started, and who wore it first.  Guess I should have done my homework.   I shall do that and get back to you with the details.

Too bad more families don't have traditions like this.  We need those ties to bind us.  We need things/events/feelings that honor the women who came before us and those who come after us.  And it doesn't hurt to honor where we are as women in the moment too. 

When the day comes, I hope to be wearing those family jewels.  When that happens, many many women will join me in the spirit of marriage.  I rather like this image.