Stigma, let's talk about it.

I want to talk about stigma.....again. Because I continue to experience it, will probably always experience it. I don't like it but maybe talking about stigma will reduce it.

People who have experienced a traumatic loss are treated differently. Sometimes deliberately, sometimes very subtly. People don't look at us the same, partly because of fear, partly from judgement. Heck, maybe you can tell me why people look at us differently. My guess is partly because they just don't quite know what to do with us. We are proof that life can get messy, that tragedy happens. That, yes, it can happen to anyone. 

Case in point, one person I know never hesitates to say, oh that person's spouse, or child or whoever died by suicide. Now, I don't know the person being referenced. I don't need the weight of their pain on top of my own. I don't want to know their story from someone else. Tragic stories are personal. Not everyone needs the details. Especially in third person. Do I believe our stories need to be shared, absolutely. But, we get to choose who we share with and what we share. Sadly, others feel the need to do that for us. 

I can mostly tell when my story has preceded me. Because no one asks me personal questions. This might be a mixed blessing. Where did you grow up is a safe question. How is work is another. How are your kids is an easy one. It's an odd sort of isolation that is completely unnecessary. 

I try not to be defined by my loss. Some days I win that battle, other times not so much. I know too, that others define me, consciously or unconsciously. They define me by telling my story like it is theirs to tell. People suggest that someone divorcing will date again and try to find someone to set them up with. People will ask about ex-spouse/partner. Loss of a spouse by divorce is acceptable and life goes on. Loss of a relationship by suicide breeds stigma. Like the surviving person is a little sketchy somehow. Like if we'd tried hard enough we could have changed the outcome. Like we aren't quite acceptable somehow because of how life played out. Not true. I know it's not true. Others, influenced by stigma, look at people like me with some hesitancy, consciously or unconsciously. 

Let me say this is not always the case. Just as I can say, sometimes it is. All I ask is that people find compassion and inclusion for those who have suffered from a decision that was not their own. We are people first, not our tragedy first. We deserve to be talked to, not talked about. We long to feel seen, not feel invisible. We long to be included, not excluded because it might feel awkward. We are building a new life, a new sense of self, a new reality. That in itself is a challenge. We can do without the added stigma. 

Good Things, Pieced and Patched

Am I holding on when I should be letting go? Does anxiety keep me from fully living? Is my world deliberately small when it could be infinitely larger? Why do some people have tons of friends and I have a small, but exceedingly wonderful tribe? Do I patch holes on an unfinished patchwork quilt that got nibbled on? Or do I pitch it because it hasn't seen the light of day for years and just move on? Can you go back and start over? Can you trust more and worry less? How do you learn to dream and dream big? Can I set a record for the most questions in the first paragraph of a blog? 

So many questions.....  With answers as follows. Yes, Yes, Yes, and yes because some are more extroverted and others introverted. Probably. Probably not. No, but you can begin anew. Yes, with faith and practice. Dreaming on any level involves imagining and hoping. So let go of control, let go of expecting the worst and challenge yourself to visualize only good things. Only good things. 

Sounds so doable right? I'm thinking that quilt may hold the key. Approach it all one stitch at a time. There will be unexpected holes. Patch over them and move on. It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. The patches we make in our lives give us more warmth, additional depth, extra color.

We are all a work in progress. May the work we do soften us. Remember sometimes we need to set things aside until we are ready to grow again. It's pausing, not giving up. It's rest, dreaming, trusting and faith in action. It's taking pieces, of this and that, successes and failures, of wins and losses and creating a new life. 

Everyone Has A Mixed Bag

I follow social media. Heck I am an active participant in social media. I see the picture perfect representations of life, and I see the ones that are real and rough around the edges. The ones where people are honest about life reality and the challenges it presents. I see, and I am concerned about, the ones who have already decided this year is a shit show, will always be a shit show. Two weeks ago we looked forward with hope, and already have lost hope.

Not that there haven't been significant losses. There have and they hurt. They define moments in life we all have to face. They do not define how today goes, or tomorrow or the other 353 remaining days of the year. Those days will be a mix of joy, sorrow, laughter, growth, grief. Those days will touch all our feelings, they will ebb and flow. Feelings are meant to come and to go. We can feel multiple feelings and release them or get stuck in them.

You know me to be an optimist, to be lifted by grace and held safe by faith. You also know life has been hard, sometimes brutally hard for me. Those "hard" times have the capacity to color my life if I chose. I chose to fill my life with color. The color of hope, the color of faith. Granted it's not all rainbows and pots of gold. I struggle, I feel anxiety, I wish things didn't happen the way they did. I feel doubt and question my ability to love, to trust. I am not perfect. I make mistakes, moments where my daughter would call me 'so pretty' but without saying it ridiculously clueless. I haven't though predicted, even jokingly, that this year is destined to suck. 

Yesterday, at work, I assisted a woman selecting a funeral tribute for her brother, her favorite brother. She needed to be heard and proceeded to tell me about how great her brother was. She showed me pictures and told how he was a beloved part of her life. How she wondered who would change light bulbs for her since her super tall brother was gone. In her loss she chose to rave about the goodness of life with her brother. 

We can do the same. We can feel all the feels and chose how they color our life. We can be messy, lost, struggling. We don't have to be perfect, have a perfect facade, or show only our perfect moments. We can be real and be hopeful at the same time. We can deal with today, today. We can let the other 353 days come one day at a  time. We can take our mixed bag and rave about the goodness in it. 

All That And More

I don't know how it happens, but another year has slipped, skipped, skidded, screamed, scrambled and slid by. How do you sum up your year? How do you weigh the joys against the sorrows? How do you find the grace and navigate the grief. 

I keep thinking one of these years will be without the challenges of transition. Maybe I'm delusional. I say it only adds to my charm. Transition is hard. Life is hard. And yet, life can be so beautiful it takes your breath away. I sometimes think, wow, life didn't take me where I wanted. But life took me where I needed to be. 

This year I resigned one position because it didn't fit, wasn't going to fit, was an awful fit and I chose to go a new direction. I am not a quitter. In the past I would have just worked harder to make it fit. Not this year. I've learned you can try things on and sometimes they just don't fit. Kudos for trying, but the brilliance is in saying no thanks, I'll go another direction. We all have the option to go a new direction.

That's not to say I don't wish for other things in my life. Even blanketed in gratitude we can long for other things. The key, I think is how much time we lose to longing, to anger, to dissatisfaction, and how much time we invest in gratitude. One harvests so much growth and grace. The other breeds discontent. 

I'm not saying there weren't hard times. Times I questioned the path unfolding before me. Times my eyes leaked with sorrow. Times I doubted. Times I wrestled with what was mine, and what was someone else's burden to carry. There were also times I was blessed with the company of friends who helped me pull shrubs from the yard, who invited me to tea, who met me in store parking lots to trade groceries items one needed and the other purchased. Times with my kids. Times with my country family. Times talking dogs, times renewing old relationships and building new ones. We could all say it was the best of times and the worst of times. Because life is just like that.

For those who pushed me, knowingly or unknowingly, in new directions. Thank you. For those who held my head above water, knowingly or unknowingly, thank you. For those who laughed with me, thank you, thank you, thank you. For those who take time to check in on me, I can't thank you enough. For the dogs I've loved and lost this year, I give thanks for how they loved me, which is more than I could ever love them. For faith that grows in leaps and bounds, as well as in increments difficult to measure. Amen and thank you. For health of body and mind. Thank you. For Friday night tequila shots and weekends, for days off and days at work. For old friends and new. Thank you.

It's been a year. For all of us. I give thanks for that, and I wish you that. A year that meets your needs and exceeds your expectations. A year that pushes you new directions, and pulls you close to the love available to you. A year that sustains and delights you. A year that gives you much to ponder as it draws to a close. A year that wraps you in blessings. A year that strengthens you and softens you. All that and more....yes, all that and more. 

 

You Need Only Just Ask

I was thinking of days gone by when you were cooking or baking and realized you didn't quite have enough eggs, or baking soda, or brown sugar. You didn't just jump in the car and run to the grocery store. You didn't log on to Aisles On-Line. You just didn't. You called someone close and you asked for what you needed. Then you popped over to get it because they were happy to help. Because they had extra and a willingness to share.

Where did we lose that "I have extra and I'm willing to share?" I'm not saying we've lost it entirely. I'm saying it's diminished, or evolved into something else. I'm also suggesting we struggle with the ability to ask for help. 

We all need to ask for help. We all need to be the one giving it. I remember years ago, I was home with a broken ankle, my Mother-in-law came and cleaned house for me. I was immobilized and mortified. I felt like she would see (and judge) all my flaws and deficiencies, at least in the housekeeping department. None of us like others to see our flaws and deficiencies yet all of us have them. I would never have asked for that help, but she had the good sense of offer and follow through on it. Years later she likely didn't even remember she did that. I remember that instead of embracing the blessing, it felt uncomfortable for me. I missed a lesson that day, but over time those seeds of generosity grew and blossomed. I needed help but was afraid to ask for it.  That was a fairly simple need, no wonder it's hard to ask for help with a bigger need. 

We are born with gifts to give, hands to reach out, hearts to hold and give love. We need connection. We need to both give and receive. We know the pain of isolation. We try to hide our parts that aren't strong, attractive, healthy. We give up rather than show up in our moments of weakness. We push away when we really need to embrace.

Why this message on Christmas? This season of giving and receiving. When we bend over backwards to make everything festive, bright and beautiful. A season where we sometimes feel compelled to connect only with things wrapped in pretty paper topped with bows. What if we connected on a different level. One more basic. One in awe of a baby in a manger. One humbled by the light of a star. One open enough to ask for help with a project, problem or need. Let our connections be the gift. I'm pretty sure when the Angel said be not afraid, I bring you good tidings of great joy, they meant come as you are flaws and all, build connections, and yes, I've got as many eggs as you need. You need only just ask.

Teams, Teams and More Teams

What do you take with you when you go? I mean more than hand bags, wallets, keys and coffee cups. I've been noticing, remembering, pondering all the places I have been and what I've taken with me when I left. Some of it is knowledge, memories, joys, sorrows. Some is pain, longing, regret. 

But there is also something much larger I take with. It is the people I've been in relationship with along the way. It's a wonderful tribe of people who have walked different parts of life with me. I'm not talking thousands of people, I'm talking those cherished ones who enter your life, make a difference, build a strong bond, and change you in the process. You may only reach out to them at Christmas time, or you may connect with them regularly. Either way the ties that bind you hold fast and true. 

With these people I could create a dream team of crazy dog people. A dream team to run the world's most fun (read - irreverent, yet highly productive) flower shop. A dream team of friends who hold your head above water. A dream team who lift you in prayer. A dream team of people who walk with you in grief, and in celebration. A dream team of kids, and their amazing friends. A country living, life is good team. A gardening team, cooking team, comedy team, cocktail connoisseur team and porch sittin team. Let us not forget the car pool team of long ago. Saints on wheels I tell you. So many teams, so little time.

Then there are the hard life lesson teams. The let's never go there again team. The what the hell was I thinking team. The, oh shit, that didn't go as planned team. The I'm learning healthy boundaries team. The well.....single looks pretty good team. Life is a mixed bag of education, in the classroom, and in daily life. In good times and in bad.

There is only one way to take them with you. You tuck them into your heart and walk into new adventures. Tuck them safely in, savor them, give thanks for them, and pray your paths cross again. Because they are part of what makes you, you. God bless them for that.

What Are You Thankful For

Life is hard. Need I say more? Well, yes, or this would be a very short blog. Life is hard. It is the hardness that enhances the softer things in life. We are celebrating Thanksgiving, but perhaps we should just be thankful for things to celebrate.

As we go into the holiday season, many are struggling, worrying, wondering how they will get by. Some are waiting for test results, wondering if life as they know it is about to change. Some are grieving....and will be for the rest of their days. Some are expecting and filled with wonder. Some are full of happy anticipation. Some are full of fear. Some are thrilled to be decorating, some are trying to muster the energy to decorate. Some are just trying to make it through the next ten minutes. Which camp are you in? It's okay if you have a foot on one side, and one on the other, all the while tap dancing, juggling and faking it until you make it. We aren't just one thing....we are many facets of a complicated life.

While Thanksgiving centers around family and food, it is possible to take that down to more simple realities. We can take it from the larger picture, the "perfect" holiday image, to small bites of our real life. This is the second year I've placed an interactive sign on the sidewalk for comments about "what are you thankful for". I post what I am thankful for, although I could cover the whole sign with just my own gratitude's. Then I leave sticky notes, and tape for passers by to add their own. I have considered the possibility that no one will comment. If that was the case, it would be okay. This sign is an invitation to pause and ponder. To find some good, no matter how small, to wrap our hearts around. There are about 10 messages on it as I write. From people who are thankful for their faith, family, flowers and birds, health, good neighbors, for being Grandma's, for having friends who are more like sisters. The FedEx guy is thankful for his/her family and faith, our country and the opportunity to post on my sign. They weren't even delivering to my house, but stopped to be grateful. I love that one! I suspect that some paused in gratitude even if they didn't post. That's a win right there.

We can take the most awful life event...and somewhere down the road find a reason, find some clarity, and be grateful. We can take a leap of faith trusting all will be well. In that wellness, in that reality, we can dig deep and embrace thanksgiving.

Where ever you are in life, pause....... Find a hundred reasons to be thankful. Or, if life is hard, dig deep to find one small nugget of gratitude. If life is really, really, hard, trust that gratitude is growing, manifesting and will break out of the darkness into light.  Know that I am grateful for you. I'm grateful for the blessed, and the bumpy path that led me to this place in life. For the courage to put out a sign that invites you to say "What Are You Thankful For". 

P.S I'm thankful for my health, home, kiddos, old dogs, family/friends, for the opportunity to pay forward for the times I was carried by the love of others. This, and about a thousand other things. I may just need a larger sign.