I've been pondering, struggling, wondering. And it all spins around words. I've never been very good about using my words. Sure I can hold conversations, mostly say the right things. I've got words in blogs, I've a whole vocabulary of words in the shape of prayers. But saying how I really feel, what I will and won't tolerate, that's a whole different thing. That, my friends is my goal. To push past the old ways and to build new ways.
I've been thinking about where I am in life, the grief of losing a loved one to suicide. People are not comfortable talking about that. Before this, neither was I. We hit the safe topics, the easy conversations, but the one thing that has impacted every piece of my world is pushed away because it's scary, it's awkward, it's messy.
I accept the scary, the awkward, the messy. I accept that I am not, and will not ever be the same. The isolation sucks, the never ending questions in your mind are exhausting. It's bizarre to feel both completely invisible and totally visible all at the same time. I also get that I may not want to share everything with everyone. That's never a good thing.
But, and there is always a but, we need words, we need them for healing, for humor, to feel connected. It's okay to reach out to me and to others, to talk about the losses we feel. It's better to say I don't know what to say, than to say nothing at all. Start with a 'remember when' story, or a shared memory. My challenge is to use my words to reach out when I need to, because, we all need to be heard. I am not the same, but as I discover the new me, and as you do the same in your life walk, let's use our words.
