Life As We Know It

Whose life has ever really taken them precisely where they thought they would go? There must be some, who had a plan, pursued it, saw it come to fruition and are living it today. I love it if you are living that dream. I'm guessing, for the rest of us, we had a plan and somewhere along the way all the pieces were tossed like confetti to be reassembled into what was not at all our imagined life plan.

In high school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do after graduation, only that after that I wanted to be a wife and mother. The mother part worked out delightfully, the marriage part not so well. Yet, if not for my marriages, I would have missed so many amazing experiences, beautiful friendships and yes, heartache. Even what feels like failure holds blessings that are case sensitive. Can't have one without the other. 

I still wonder if I am on the right path in life. Is work and solitary life all there is? How do I find peace with that? Am I pushing myself enough to be social? How do I build connections and maintain them. Am I accepting life as it is, but never wanted, and finding joy in it?

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, my kids are terrific, I've been blessed with good neighbors where ever I've lived, I have a warm and lovely home. Yummy food in the fridge and wine in the rack. I have treasured friends. And.... I will always carry heartache because one of the cards I drew in life was being a survivor of suicide loss. No one includes that one when they plan out their "perfect" life. Others have struggles they never included in their life plan, horrible losses, great disappointments, health issues, loss of faith, loss of love. One struggle does not trump another, they all change the trajectory of our life as we dreamed it.

How then to keep the faith when life turns out so vastly different? If I had all the answers I would have no reason to blog. So the good news is I have reason to share my life, my observations, my challenges. The bad news is I have reason to share my life, my observations, my challenges. Gotta love the irony of that.

So I'll ask you the same questions that I ask myself. Self, where are you in life? Can you, have you, taken the mix of cards you've been dealt and found some beauty, some peace, some grace in them. Are you doing enough, grateful enough, giving of your gifts enough, resting enough, taking time to heal enough? Heck, are you laughing enough, connecting enough, following your bliss enough? What exactly is your bliss and can google maps help find it? All of which is a work in progress, not a one and done checklist.

Where we thought we'd be in life and where we are probably don't match. Not necessarily a bad thing. The bigger plan in life has blessings we couldn't even imagine. It can all change in a minute. It has, it does. Look for the grace. Be open to the growth.

I Appreciate You

I love that people have added this phrase to their vocabulary. Yes, it's another way to say thank you, for being you. I hope as we use it more frequently we don't forget the depth of feeling it conveys. You might think I'm over thinking this, or picking it apart. Maybe I am. There are several important pieces to this.

Pieces, you say? Uh huh. 

For some it's easy to say I appreciate you. Some say it with deep feeling, some without much thought. For some it's hard to hear I appreciate you. We question whether we actually deserve it, what we've done to deserve it. That piece of us sometimes feels small and insignificant. Like we run under the radar of value and worth. 

I had a day recently where extreme fatigue and stress made me feel, well, to be perfect honest stupid. Like I couldn't get one single thing right, like all my smarts leaked out overnight and I woke up stupid. I even apologized for waking up stupid. In reality I was just stupid tired. I could not identify the pieces that were amiss. I lacked the mental clarity to recognize what was wrong. I was on the struggle bus and had no grace to extend to myself. I was in pieces. In retrospect, I can appreciate that. It was a shitty place to be, but I'm picking up the pieces and making something beautiful of them.

See sometimes what is beautiful is right in front of us and we can't see it. Other times we have to take the pieces and re-purpose them in into something new. Something better. The old value, the old pieces are there, but have been assembled into a piece that is lovely in a new away. There is much to be appreciated in this.

In my solitary life I forget that I may influence others. I do influence others. There I said it. Maybe I appreciate you isn't just something we say to others. Maybe we need to say it to ourselves. Self I appreciate you. Self you have value. Self pick up the pieces and make something beautiful of them. 

 

Space, Grace and Consistency

I've been pondering moments when the whole life as you know it changes. It happens in many ways.  Olympians who's goals are dashed in a nanosecond. Years of training, and yes, confidence shaken to the core. Their whole identity loses its sense of equilibrium. Another case, a rescue dog who moves from the comfort of a foster home to a forever home. Twice in the course of two months everything Maxx knew about how his world operated changed. Granted each time it changed for the better. People who are in the process of a divorce they never saw coming. Unexpected job losses. Traumatic losses. Health issues. All that you know changes in an instant. 

These are moments that undermine our sense of safety and challenge our faith. Sometimes we keep moving forward our head in a fog. Sometimes we are stunned and unable to focus. Other times we stuff all that's scary way down deep inside. That is a full set of baggage to carry. We will get to the point we can no longer manage it.

I'm helping a newly adopted dog settle into his forever home. My home. In the course of that, his world changed, my world changed and the status quo of the current canine resident changed. It is all good and we will get through it. We all need space, grace and consistency to adjust. A sense of humor is necessary. Treats, encouraging words, and an adult beverage (for the human) helps to. It also helps to own it pushes us to step out of what we knew, whether it was comfortable or not, and grow.

Enter space, grace and consistency. Words to say to yourself. Self? I love you enough to grant you space, grace and consistency. Words to say, or offer prayerfully to others, I grant you space, grace and consistency. Space to adjust, grace to accept what's different, and consistency to establish new foundations. Our worlds change....they do. What looks like a shit show offers opportunities we are presently unable to imagine. 

It is okay, even amid change, to look faith forward. Loss of a sense of self, of our identity, is an frightening amazing growth opportunity. It's scary, it dumps boat loads of feelings we need to wade through. It can present gifts untold. Miracles if you will. Little tiny miracles, big gigantic miracles. Miracles you see in retrospect. So as you transition, and you will....it's normal to stress, but important to breathe through it. To honor the past, but look forward to where our new life is. And also to say Self here, let's have a little treat to celebrate our progress. Celebrate those little and big steps of progress. The four footed ones, and the two footed ones. It's necessary to celebrate little victories as we embrace life adjustments.