Light For Our Dark Places

Things we wonder, in our heads, but may never say out loud.

I'll never get it right. I failed at this.... I am not succeeding at that. I will always be alone. I'm dumb. I am unlovable. I could have done better, I should have done better. I'm not smart enough. I'm afraid. No one will love me. C'mon people. I can't be the only one who has mental tapes that play like this. Maybe your tape says you are too fat, or too tall, or not pretty enough. Maybe yours is a dialog of comparison, they are more, have more, their life is perfect. 

These are uncomfortable feelings. Feelings that we define ourselves by. Sometimes deliberately sometimes subconsciously. So remember, a feeling is not a fact. We get tripped up by that. I know by opening up this conversation that I'm going out on a limb. It's a vulnerable limb. I'm hanging in the balance here. Will I hold on to these fallacies. Will I be dismissed because I'm sharing them? Will I reduce the scope of my world by holding on to them? Will I be judged by them. Which leads me to this question, who is the harsher judge? Kinda thinking it is me. It is way easier to blame myself, berate myself. Okay, in simpler terms, I'm pretty hard on myself. Are you?

Funny, sad funny, not ha-ha funny how much easier it is to tally what we didn't get right instead of what we did. What we aren't instead of what we are. What we haven't got instead of what we have. Do I know an easy path to heal all of this? Ummm, no easy path, but not an impossible task. All I can figure is I've been gifted with these words so I can share them. Share the feelings, share the faith, share being open to shedding light on our inner struggles. Giving some light to our dark places. 

We all have some dark places, am I right? We are not singularly flawed. That's the good news. Opening up and peering into our "flaw" box is humbling, and healing. Scary as hell too, so we resist doing it. But, what if I'm not all wrong? What if I get it right some of the time, and because I'm human I get it wrong some of the time. Could that be okay? What if I'm not bad, or stupid, or worthless, but someone told me I was so I believed it. What if I have a voice, but was shamed into not using it. What if I breathed out instead of holding it all in. That would be a weight off my shoulders. What if I am enough just the way I am? Wise enough, capable enough, safe enough, strong enough. Could that be my truth? That friends, that is the seed to plant, to nurture, to bring into the light. Trusting we find new light for our dark places.

 

Ask For Help, Get The Ice Cream

I've realized grief comes in more shades than there are paint chips at Sherwin Williams. Grace does too. I had an emotional day recently, which triggered some grief. Each time through a wave of grief I am moved further down the road to a softer place. That doesn't negate the pain of getting through it.

I had some dental work done the other day. There was pain in the beginning of the procedure, but after that part there was no physical pain involved. I was taken back at how emotionally uncomfortable the process was. How anxiety filled. I knew I could get through it because I told myself in my head (at least a 100 times) I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. It did not occur to me to stop and ask for help "doing this" making the procedure less stressful. That's an important lesson. Ask for help when you need it. I didn't need to suffer through it and yet I did.  

So naturally following the procedure I was a bit emotional. Okay, so saying I'm "a bit emotional" is always a stretch of imagination. Here's your visual, emotionally charged woman, with half her face completely numb. Wanting ice cream to comfort the stress, but knowing she doesn't have enough lip control to manage consuming it. Again, I could have gotten some for later when my lips came back. Again, I went without when I didn't actually need to. Raising hand....slow learner here.

I pull up to a stop light and am sitting behind the vehicle of a company that does damage restoration, including trauma clean up. It takes me right back. This same company did the trauma clean up after my husband took his life. This time seeing the company name tapped into the loss and pain. Now I dealt with this company as they did restoration work in my home. I've seen their vehicles many times since then with no emotional response. But this day I had emotions that needed to be cried through. This day I was in a place I could do that. We can't process all of a loss at once, that's why grieving is a long process. As we are ready, life presents the situations that draw us through grief to the other side. These hurdles have to be crossed. They can however be shared, either during, or afterwards. While we may feel pain, discomfort, anxiety we don't have to suffer alone. We can ask for the help/comfort to get through it and we can have the ice cream afterwards. Be gentle with yourself, ask for help, get the ice cream. Heal.