Tears

I am a weepy woman. Owning it is the first step. Understanding it is another matter. I have to think, perhaps as a child, I didn't cry much and I have years of tears to make up for. Or perhaps I didn't feel much, and all those feelings are seeping out in the form of tears. Seep out they do. At the drop of a hat.

In a perfect world I'd always get it right and never feel the need to cry. In a perfect world I'd never have to let go, process regrets, grieve, or say goodbye. I often cry simply because the feelings are so deep they touch my heart. Sometimes we cry out of sheer loneliness. Or shame, or from pain held on to for too long. We cry because strength is growing inside us, and something has to give in order to get. We cry sometimes when we laugh, and laugh and laugh. I love those tears. The line between crying and not crying is so fine sometimes.

Lately I've been crying because change is hard, and to change one must grow. Growth is hard. It hurts and pulls at our heart strings. And, yes, in the process we become stronger, softer and wiser. Still it is a rugged journey that includes releasing tears, dreams, relationships, lifestyles and expectations. It involves saying yes to the unknown and trusting all will be well. It involves faith in a path that is obscure and still developing. Sometimes you have to look past the challenges of the present into the blessings of the future.

So you cry as needed. It's okay to weep. It's okay to wonder and to worry a little. It's human nature. Then as you are able brush away those tears with hope, dust them with acceptance, and embrace them with faith. And, know all is unfolding according to plan.

It's Hard...And...it's okay.

How lucky I am having something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~Winnie The Pooh

Pooh had it right. I've been saying a lot this week, talking myself through the challenges, saying goodbyes, saying I love you's, saying thank you's, saying in God's time not mine, saying "self, it's okay to not have every little thing perfect". Saying....this is so freaking hard...and, it won't always be this way.

But, and there is always a but, in this moment it's hard. I recognize that, I honor that, I own that. I kept figuring others would understand how hard this feels, and then I remembered they can't possibly know. They aren't me, they see from the outside in, and I feel from the inside out. They bless me, they prop me up and give me hope, all of which I need. What a gift to myself to realize this. Another thing to be okay with. Life offers so many of these opportunities.

It's okay to be in transition, it's okay to not know all the details of what's coming next. It's okay to do my best and accept it was not perfect. It's okay to step back in thanksgiving, in gratitude. It's okay of acknowledge the weight of the grief that has been part of my journey. It will go with me where ever I go, and, it won't always weigh this heavy.

I sometimes forget to add the....and...part. I get stuck in the moment. Things seem permanent when they are in fact temporary. I'll look back on this time and laugh, I hope! I'll wonder why I worried so much. I'll give thanks. I'll see the good that came of pushing through hard times. And, the value of owning the difficulty, but not getting stuck in it.

When you love deeply it's hard to say goodbye. So sometimes goodbyes are simply I'll see you soon. I'll remember you well, I'll treasure this time. I'll miss your face. You were a blessing to me. 

Change

Change is on my horizon. Let me be the first to admit, I weep daily because of it. Even when I am moving in the right direction I weep. I weep because even good change is hard. I weep because letting go of one thing to grasp another requires courage and faith. In between those two places is the unknown. 

I know my history here, I know the joys, the challenges that came with it, I know the depth of the losses. I know the blessings, graces and friendships that have sustained me. I fully trust I will be as blessed in the future where ever I land. Still, letting go is hard.

I will not miss the comments I still receive, in passing, that connect me to the actions of my late husband when he chose to end his life. That stigma precedes me here. I never asked to be "that person", I like to believe I am my own person. A person who endured great trauma and horrible loss. Let it end there. I know it won't, but I'd like it to. Part of being a survivor of suicide loss is the stigma. Beyond my control, and yet, hard on my heart.

I am trying to balance appreciating all the blessings this chapter of life offered, grieve the losses, and look forward to great things coming my way. I feel like a weepy juggler trying to keep it all in control. Keep in mind, I'm not a juggler, we never really have control and I wouldn't be me if I my eyes didn't leak regularly.

So here I am. In transition, guided by faith and trust (although they get shaky at times). Surrounded by those who love me here, and there, and ready to love anew down the road. May the road be smooth, with hands to hold along the way.