Changed But Not Diminished

As a survivor, of any sort of trauma, each new life experience is filtered through the "if this hadn't occurred, I wouldn't be right here, right now". Even the really good stuff is shadowed by the knowledge that bad things happened propelling that person on to a new life. One didn't happen without the other. 

The same applies at the other end of the spectrum, really terrific things also lead you to places and experiences that wouldn't have come to pass without them. Life is complex.

I just want to share that I am a bit frayed around the edges. Have been for some time now. Scarred, altered, battered if you will. I am also softened, stronger and more me than I ever was. Things don't have to be pretty to be beautiful. Things can be raw and rugged and be entirely blessed beyond measure. 

We're entering the holiday season a bit bruised and tattered. It's been a hard year. It continues to be a hard year. We have been challenged. We have been stressed. Life does not look like life as we knew it. We've had losses, and we grieve them. We will always grieve them. We've scaled back, hopefully, to the essence of what we truly value. Finding at the heart of it what carries us through, what we hold dear, what matters.

 

But this, this says it all for me. Now truth be told, long long ago one of the dogs got a hold of this ornament and gnawed on it. It was altered, it was traumatized, it was changed. Little did I know how symbolic this would be. All I knew back then was that it was still beautiful in my eyes. I loved the dog, I loved the ornament, I forgave the dog, I kept the ornament.

The message is the same whether it's on spun gold or chewed wood. Personally, I'll take the chewed wood. We kind of resemble that this year, I know I do. A little worse for the wear, but His light and love shines through. Changed by our circumstances, but because of our faith, not diminished by them. 

Finding gratitude and joy, on a holiday week, in a pandemic.

Holiday weeks can be hard. For the grieving, or the lonely. Or the lonely and grieving. For those whose family is far away, sometimes even for those whose family is in the same room. Then add in all the stress of the pandemic.

So, how to find the grace in a situation we never saw coming, and won't see leaving soon. Perhaps, I have an advantage of some sort having experienced an unexpected tragedy that will always affect me. There aren't many wins that came from that loss. However, if I dig deep I can find a few things that would never have evolved without the loss. Things that brought growth, compassion, understanding.

We are facing a week normally full of family, feasting, football, and other festivities. This year we face uncertainty through a face mask, and may likely spend more time with hand sanitizer than family. It's not what we want, it's not what we ever expected, it's not going away soon. It's tragic. 

So we will have a lot of feelings this week. Sadness, loss, fear, uncertainty, worry, and many others. We will be challenged to connect in different ways to embrace the thanks we are usually giving this week. There are still many things to be grateful for. Even in the midst of worry, we can slow down and find blessings. I'm not saying it will be easy. I'm just saying it can be done. Holidays are always poignant reminders, full stop. Whatever your reminders are, know you are not alone. 

If you are struggling let someone know. If you have gifts of encouragement or service, offer them. If you are in need, ask. If you can, pray. If you can put your wants and desires aside for the health and safety of others do so. Do not, however, forget to find ways to celebrate, to connect, to give and to give thanks. This season of life may not look anything like you want it to. It may suck beyond belief, it may seem never ending. It won't always be like this, keep the faith, trust there is a bigger plan and know, know you aren't alone. Know it's okay to give thanks in all circumstances, in fact it's recommended. 

 

A Light In The Dark

Every day we build our life. We have new experiences, we learn, meet new people, develop relationships. There is a relationship in my life called grief. If we live, and we love, we will also grieve at some point. Grief lurks in the background sometimes, other times it jumps out front and center. We can say we make peace with it, but I'll admit to struggling with it. 

Many years ago I was in a vehicle that went backwards off a cliff from a one lane road in Hawaii. When the vehicle stopped, all four wheels were off the ground. A boulder stopped us from rolling. Thank God for the boulder. None of us suffered serious injuries. All of us were changed. I can only speak for myself, but I had to wonder, and still do why we walked away. Medical personnel told us no one walks away from these types of accidents. Yet, we did. So I have to believe there was something in the bigger plan that I was meant to do. 

I'd also like to think the bigger plan was not to be a survivor of suicide loss. Thing is, I didn't get to pick the plan, I just have to navigate through it. The "what if's" go on and on. What if this, what if that. The further down the road of grief, the less these thoughts plague you. Sometimes though, like around the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, plain old uneventful days, rainy days, sunny days it all surfaces. Am I meant to bear witness to faith, to survival? Am I meant to lead others who struggle by owning my truth? Am I meant to boldly say mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of? Can I say survivor of suicide loss enough times that it breaks down even a tiny bit of the stigma? 

When I changed jobs this year, my "story" which most people only know pieces of preceded me. People love to share pieces and feed the stigma. People didn't treat me different, make me a source of gossip, whisper about what happened when I was in an accident. People have accidents. Accidents are unfortunate, even tragic, but "acceptable". Suicide is another thing. And you know what? Suicide is not acceptable. Treating someone different because of it is not acceptable. Feeling shame because you struggle with mental health is not acceptable. Giving up entirely is not acceptable. Being afraid to ask for help is not acceptable. Losing precious lives to mental health issues is not acceptable. 

So, as another birthday that cues the grief is days away, I wonder if my bigger plan was/is to be a light in the dark. Time will tell. Even being a tiny light is a gift. May we all be tiny lights, or big bold bright lights. Tell your story, own your truth, trust the process. Open the doors to acceptance, heal some pain, diffuse the stigma. So know and trust...that it is no accident that you and I are here, right where we need to be, to make a difference some way, some how. 

Own That

 I had a friend tell me "so, very few people could do what you have done this year. Weaker souls woulda just given up." She also said, own that. Cuz it is amazing. My immediate response was smarter people wouldn't have tried it. I'm still trying to digest this, to accept this.

Funny how hard it is to acknowledge a life truth, to accept a compliment, a reality. Reality is hard, reality is poignant, reality holds moments of joy, and reality can rip a scab right open. I'd be remiss if I didn't own that so many times this year I have wished I'd made other choices. Wished I had not pulled up roots. Wished I was back in my old life. Except, growth required me to seek a new life. 

I am not the type to move repeatedly. I am a home body. I struggle with change. I stress over not knowing the when, the where, the how. This year has taken any idea of when, where and how and thrown it to the wind. I gave up one home to return to another, only to find out it didn't feel like home there any more. Letting go is hard. Moving triggered so much grief. Owning something and feeling it are sometimes two different things. We need to do both.

I don't believe I've done anything all that amazing. I took a leap of faith. The rest was beyond my control. As always, I'm guided exactly where I need to be, and my needs (even ones I was unaware of) are amply met.

Does that mean it's been easy? Nope. Nothing good comes easy. It involves a huge portion of faith, and unfailing optimism. Okay, I'm fibbing there. Sometimes optimism wains. It does, and then, it recalculates like a GPS program. I don't have all the answers, I muddle through just like everyone else. Some of my muddles have been enormous. Eh, they happen. 

While it can be hard to accept a compliment, it is also okay to do so. We need affirmation, we need encouragement. We need to be able to give it to ourselves, and to others. So listen up. You've done good. Listen up,  I've done good. Take the leaps of faith, and move into the life meant to be yours. Struggle with it, wrestle with it, embrace it. Love it. And...in my friends words, not mine...."I know it's not the path you would have chosen...but it is paved in grace, and beauty in spite of it." Own that.