Slow Down, Look Within

Some days I feel like I get nothing done. And I wonder, am I wasting a day, or am I healing? We all have healing to do. Physical healing, emotional healing, mental healing, occupational healing, faith healing.  

I have a theory on this. Usually, my theories start with owning it is the first step. We take a lot of steps in life. Strong bold steps, tiny hesitant steps, slow regretful steps. Quick deliberate steps. Steps full of sorrow, steps surrounded in joy. Steps I tell you, lots of steps.

I think for years I was unable to slow down enough to do nothing. Stress, expectations, work life, parenting life, marriage life, past trauma's, anxiety. You name it, it was safer to go non-stop than to slow down. Slowing down requires a sense of safety. Don't get me wrong, sometimes life forces us to slow down. We tend to fight that tooth and nail. Slowing down comes with time to feel all the feelings. You know, the ones we often want to push away. 

Maybe my age is slowing me down. Maybe I'm willing to while some time away, to be still and sit with life as I know it. Maybe I'm ok. Maybe life didn't go as I'd hoped. It's been messy and hard. It takes time to push past the grief and stigma to process all of that. This much I know. It's okay to make choices, question your judgement, have regrets, and still know you did the best you could at the time. It's important to own your truths. It's beneficial to share them. It's good to remember we are not alone. And, if we take time to just be and think we've gotten nothing done look within. Something important is happening.

Savoring The Process

I've begun preparations for Thanksgiving even though I'm so not ready for it. November and December are much like July and August. Once they begin, they are gone in the blink of an eye. I'll admit, because owning it is the first step, it leaves me a bit crabby and out of sorts. I miss my summer/fall routine, I miss putzing around in the garden every day, I miss the daylight and lament daylight savings time. I rush to get home and get the dogs walked before I lose the light. I miss my motivation to be any sort of productive after the sun sets.

Back to the preparations. I cubed bread today for homemade stuffing. Yes, I know you can buy dried bread for stuffing. You can buy complete stuffing mixes. No way it could be as good as doing it myself. I've cubed it myself. Stirred it myself, I've lavished it with love. It's different now, it's like bread 2.0. I just can't give up the tradition. There is comfort in the process. It also reminds me of the poignancy of loss. I've done this for years, sometimes without thought. Sometimes with great thought. In the end I'll be glad I made the effort, turning dried bread into something savory, something greater than the sum of its parts. 

The holiday season reminds us not only of good times and family, but of the losses along the way. Even as we get further out from grief events the feelings return and weigh heavy. Perhaps not as much as the first couple years, but we do feel the shadow. Still, we go through the motions as best we can. We buy the turkey; we cube the bread. We look forward to the celebration, and yes, we give thanks.

It may not feel the same as life before loss. It may leave us longing and sad. But it is life as we know it now. Both blessed and broken. So, we move through the rituals. Even the ones we question just a little bit, and then do the way we always have. Knowing, trusting and investing our love in the process. Grateful we have love to give and to receive.

Months of the Year

I am always surprised when all of a sudden, the calendar reads November. I'm not ready for November. I'd like to go back to August and have a do over. I'm not ready for winter, or the holidays. Part of me keeps looking back with longing on so many levels. I need to apply my "what if it's better than you expect" mantra to new months, new directions, new possibilities.

I don't know about you, but I tend to be a creature of habit. My routine is kind of set, my expectations are low, my life is simple. At times it feels full, other times very empty. There are many, many, reasons to be grateful, count blessings and feel joy. And I do. It is also entirely possible to feel all of these things, joy, gratitude, comfort, and still walk with a slightly heavy heart. It's possible to laugh and love the same way. 

I saw someone recently and had the thought, that person is a hot mess. Pretty judgmental of me. We have moments like that. I'd be lying if I said I never had those moments. But then I looked back and realized some folks could look at my life and think it's been a hot mess. And sometimes it has. No one's life goes just as expected. Life is too messy and too blessed for that. For every mess I've found myself in, I've also found blessings I never expected. Lord knows I've made mistakes, I still do. I've made apologies, some of them good apologies, some not. I've learned from them. Sometimes forgiveness is offered, sometimes not. Sometimes forgiving yourself is that most challenging task of all.

Like November, many things have happened I was not ready for. Changes of life, changes of relationships, changes of seasons. Yet here we are. Finding our footing as we move forward. Holding the sadness even as we experience grace and gratitude. Our hearts hold all the feelings. All of them valid, ebbing and flowing, coming and going like the months of the year.