Months of the Year

I am always surprised when all of a sudden, the calendar reads November. I'm not ready for November. I'd like to go back to August and have a do over. I'm not ready for winter, or the holidays. Part of me keeps looking back with longing on so many levels. I need to apply my "what if it's better than you expect" mantra to new months, new directions, new possibilities.

I don't know about you, but I tend to be a creature of habit. My routine is kind of set, my expectations are low, my life is simple. At times it feels full, other times very empty. There are many, many, reasons to be grateful, count blessings and feel joy. And I do. It is also entirely possible to feel all of these things, joy, gratitude, comfort, and still walk with a slightly heavy heart. It's possible to laugh and love the same way. 

I saw someone recently and had the thought, that person is a hot mess. Pretty judgmental of me. We have moments like that. I'd be lying if I said I never had those moments. But then I looked back and realized some folks could look at my life and think it's been a hot mess. And sometimes it has. No one's life goes just as expected. Life is too messy and too blessed for that. For every mess I've found myself in, I've also found blessings I never expected. Lord knows I've made mistakes, I still do. I've made apologies, some of them good apologies, some not. I've learned from them. Sometimes forgiveness is offered, sometimes not. Sometimes forgiving yourself is that most challenging task of all.

Like November, many things have happened I was not ready for. Changes of life, changes of relationships, changes of seasons. Yet here we are. Finding our footing as we move forward. Holding the sadness even as we experience grace and gratitude. Our hearts hold all the feelings. All of them valid, ebbing and flowing, coming and going like the months of the year.