No Such Thing As A Coincidence...or is there?

I had a weird thing happen recently. Life is full of them. Sometimes we laugh them off, sometimes they stop us in our tracks. Sometimes we noodle them in our heads until we figure them out. Other times, they seem beyond coincidental. 

Let me preface it with this....I don't usually believe in signs from our dearly departed. Call me a skeptic, call me jaded, call me whatever. Others do and find great comfort in them. I'm all for great comfort. Who couldn't use more of that? 

Here is the scenario. I was driving through a city recently, not my home town. First I noticed a car with Oklahoma plates pass me. Hmmmm, Oklahoma? My late husband was born there and was a Sooner fan to the core. A bit down the road a car with Nevada plates passed me. He lived most of his life in Nevada. Now maybe the obvious part is that cars pass me constantly, maybe I need to put the pedal to the metal. My kids would probably say yes, absolutely yes. However, I thought it odd I'd see license plates from those two states close together. Next up, to my surprise, was a street exit bearing his name. Okay, now I'm thinking what are the odds??? Odds, clearly beyond my mathematical ability to calculate. This next "coincidence" was a corker. The one that made me think this is way past a random incident. Next was a bill board that read: "63 People Die From Gun Shot Suicide A Day". If I used the F-bomb I would have inserted it there. 

Coincidence or not, it went from amusing to eerie. Like his choice to take his life, I will never make sense of it. I'm not sure why all those pieces fell into place like that. Who know's the if's, the why's, the how's of life?

Strange things happen. Stranger things will happen. Pretty sure this made my top 10 list of strange things. All I know is it has me thinking. Each of us will make of it what we will. Each of us may be right. I don't have to be able to clearly define why that sequence took place. I can simply sit back and say Wow, I can't even begin fathom that. And....that is okay.

Introvert, Extrovert, Acceptance

There was a time when I never wanted to be alone, was afraid if I didn't do things just right, I would be alone. That alone was a sort of punishment. Now I realize you can be in a large gathering of people and feel alone, or even with one other person and feel alone. More importantly, you can be alone and be quite comfortable with it. I have learned large groups aren't my gig, but small gatherings are. In large groups I default into observer, not participant mode. No harm or foul there, you can learn a lot, and be most entertained, in the observer mode. It can also make you feel a bit invisible. 

When I was married it felt different, I had a safe connection with me in large social events. As I widow I find it much harder. I slide into listener/observer mode and then feel unseen. Partly because it's not comfortable to put myself out there. Then I feel I must be lacking in social skills. The whole you're at a party, you should be having fun, what's wrong with you? I'll circle back to this.

I'm gonna own it's been a hard week. What would have been our 10th wedding anniversary was on the 1st. As usual that triggered some tears. This one felt extra hard. Next it is a holiday weekend. Holidays tap into feelings of loss as well. Double whammy there. And finally, one of my pups is struggling, so I know another goodbye is somewhere down the road. Cue the waterworks. Then that whole anticipation of fireworks, that I used to enjoy, but don't so much anymore because I know it stresses the dogs. It used to be a day of great anticipation and active participation. Maybe July 4th is for children, and children at heart. My adult has taken a beating over they years, and I've lost some of the child at heart joy. 

So it gets to a point where I feel the need for the quiet of my home, the comfort of my dogs, the kinship I have with my sofa and a tasty beverage. Even though I long for deeper connections. It's a conundrum.

So let me circle back to my "what's wrong with you" question. Nothing. I need to erase that phrase, and honor what feels comfortable for me. It won't be the same for everyone. Some people can work a crowd like nobodies business. Some people can seek out and talk to anyone at a party. Some party hard until the last guest goes home. Others, like me don't have that skill set. It doesn't mean something's wrong with me. I may have to psych myself up to go even when I know some of my favorite people will be there. I may struggle with the interaction, I may choose to leave before others. I am an latent introvert at an extroverts event. Perhaps the losses in life have made me more introverted. I am keenly aware of being a widow in a couples world. Keenly aware that I am not just a widow, but a widow by tragic, stigma ridden loss. 

But, and there is always a but, I can be aware of when it's time to seek out the quiet of home and be okay with that. It is my reality. It comes with a myriad of feelings. All of them valid. This week the feelings are especially overwhelming. Owning them, honoring them, processing them. Accepting this is where and who I am in life.