There was a time when I never wanted to be alone, was afraid if I didn't do things just right, I would be alone. That alone was a sort of punishment. Now I realize you can be in a large gathering of people and feel alone, or even with one other person and feel alone. More importantly, you can be alone and be quite comfortable with it. I have learned large groups aren't my gig, but small gatherings are. In large groups I default into observer, not participant mode. No harm or foul there, you can learn a lot, and be most entertained, in the observer mode. It can also make you feel a bit invisible.
When I was married it felt different, I had a safe connection with me in large social events. As I widow I find it much harder. I slide into listener/observer mode and then feel unseen. Partly because it's not comfortable to put myself out there. Then I feel I must be lacking in social skills. The whole you're at a party, you should be having fun, what's wrong with you? I'll circle back to this.
I'm gonna own it's been a hard week. What would have been our 10th wedding anniversary was on the 1st. As usual that triggered some tears. This one felt extra hard. Next it is a holiday weekend. Holidays tap into feelings of loss as well. Double whammy there. And finally, one of my pups is struggling, so I know another goodbye is somewhere down the road. Cue the waterworks. Then that whole anticipation of fireworks, that I used to enjoy, but don't so much anymore because I know it stresses the dogs. It used to be a day of great anticipation and active participation. Maybe July 4th is for children, and children at heart. My adult has taken a beating over they years, and I've lost some of the child at heart joy.
So it gets to a point where I feel the need for the quiet of my home, the comfort of my dogs, the kinship I have with my sofa and a tasty beverage. Even though I long for deeper connections. It's a conundrum.
So let me circle back to my "what's wrong with you" question. Nothing. I need to erase that phrase, and honor what feels comfortable for me. It won't be the same for everyone. Some people can work a crowd like nobodies business. Some people can seek out and talk to anyone at a party. Some party hard until the last guest goes home. Others, like me don't have that skill set. It doesn't mean something's wrong with me. I may have to psych myself up to go even when I know some of my favorite people will be there. I may struggle with the interaction, I may choose to leave before others. I am an latent introvert at an extroverts event. Perhaps the losses in life have made me more introverted. I am keenly aware of being a widow in a couples world. Keenly aware that I am not just a widow, but a widow by tragic, stigma ridden loss.
But, and there is always a but, I can be aware of when it's time to seek out the quiet of home and be okay with that. It is my reality. It comes with a myriad of feelings. All of them valid. This week the feelings are especially overwhelming. Owning them, honoring them, processing them. Accepting this is where and who I am in life.
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