For so long now I have felt lost. Dreams planted and grown were gone. Life as I knew it changed, love was lost, and bit-by-bit I've had to reassemble a new life. Starting a new life is something you begin over and over. It's not a one and done thing. It's a commitment. We all know commitments require, you know, some pretty intense commitment.
The hardest part of starting over is the starting part. And the middle part, and the will this go on forever part. I have no doubt a blessing this part of life gives me is that of solitude. I say that, because I find it the most difficult. Solitude is hard for me. I crave connection. There must be a gift in this struggle. I just have to figure it out.
We all want to get the rough parts in life over as fast as possible. Make it quick, Lord. Make me a fast learner of hard life lessons. Let me be a quick study. Let me grow fast, instead of at a snails pace.
And....while I'm feeling lost, struggling, trying to grow, hoping to heal, let me also have a grateful heart. Let my faith be strong even if I don't feel strong.
I want to put down roots. I long for a place that feels like home again. You know, that sacred place you choose that feels right, uplifts your spirit, that houses your stuff and soothes your soul. This place I am in is temporary. It's not where I was, it's not where I want to be. And...I go through the motions here. I've planted patio pots and hope. I'm growing tomato's and dreams. I'm in between and trying to embrace that place. Truth be told I wrestle with it. I wrestle with it daily. Let me add I'm not a graceful wrestler, but I'm digging deep for the grace.
I have things to plant in my new place, I'm holding space for them. I have some rhubarb, and a perennial hibiscus. I dug an old rose bush from my country yard in the hopes it would thrive, but it didn't. I have the sad branches of that rose in a bucket. Even in it's barren state I keep the faith I will have this particular variety of rose bush in my yard again. Sometimes we are just in that barren place. It's a hard place to be. It sucks, we all know sometimes it sucks. We've all been there, and if you haven't, God bless you your time is coming.
So we commit to this moving forward, this building of a life that nurtures us, sustains us, so we in turn can nurture others. If part of that for me is this journey of solitude so be it. If it is dreams of my own sacred space, guide me steadily toward it. If it is a lonely process shower me with hope. And...when the time is right let me sink down roots again in a place that feels like home.
