Reach Out

Those two words - Reach Out - can mean so many things.  They have been on my mind for a while. Lots of times we are comfortable, or don't want to rock the boat, or preoccupied, or busy. In that moment, day, week or period we don't reach out as much as we could have. Or should have, or wish we had.  Sometimes we need to reach out through the pain, or reach out to share the joy, or reach out to help carry the burden.  Sometimes we reach out to inquire about others, other times we reach out to share of ourselves.

One of the few graces that came from Gordon's choice to take his life is that he was able to be an organ donor. Another grace is that his choice opened the door for me to speak of suicide, and the multitude of impacts it has on the family and friends. I'll be honest, my knowledge of suicide and it's aftermath was blessedly non-existent. It's hard to fathom, and a topic few will embrace. Even those willing to tip toe carefully into the topic, are hoping for a quick way to exit the conversation. 

So on the topic of reaching out, I sat down this week and wrote to the two people who received Gordon's kidneys. I didn't reach out asking for anything, rather I was offering something. It's all done anonymously at this point. Somewhere down the road it may become more personal. I may, or may not, receive any response. But, and there is always a but, I reached out so that they could know of the man who gave them a great gift. 

So that they could know of his passions, his essence, his family, his hobbies. The lovely things that made Gordon, Gordon, before mental illness took him. It was good for my heart to remember the happy man, and let go for the time of the troubled man who gave up on living. And yes, I shared that he chose to end his life. Not to worry them or trouble them, but to know what a miracle it is that his kidneys and their bodies connected with each other. He did not know the gifts he still had to give when he gave up. I do, and now they do. In the communication, that reaching out, I opened more doors. Of communication about giving up, and receiving unexpected gifts. About sharing the truth of journey's we never wanted to take. 

Carry On

I am relearning. Relearning what I like in life, what I will not tolerate. I am relearning how to carry on. Frankly we should all do a self-check and some relearning. Rather like a breast exam, look for things that absolutely have to be excised, do it and move on.

For some to carry on means to pick up the yoke you are harnessed to and keep going. For others (raising hand and yelling me, me, me!) it a bumpy process of rediscovery.  

The one year mark of Gordon's suicide gave me pause to look back. In addition to the daily looking back and wondering, I looked back and evaluated. I noted things I achieved over the year, we can call that personal growth. I reached out to the good people at Nebraska Organ Recovery Service and got on an update of Gordon's kidneys. They are both working in their new "homes". They had rough starts for the recipients, but are doing well. They can carry on thanks to his donation. I also share about life after a suicide. Call it my small way to release some of the stigma. If that isn't a good way to carry on I don't know what is.

I carry on with some of our old traditions. Some weeks just require a Friday night celebratory shot to mark making it through the week. I carry on by being part of a survivors of suicide on-line group. I carry on by meeting monthly with a group of widows. Lord knows I never expected that to be a peer group of mine. Life takes you down roads you never thought you'd travel. By the way, what a terrific group of women.

I carry on by fostering dogs and being a crazy dog lady. I carry on my love of flowers/gardening, working as a florist. I carry on by blogging. I carry on with faith, sometimes a bit wobbly, sometimes strong; I carry on because I chose life. I carry on because of all the decisions and happenings that led me to the here and now. Is it easy? No one ever said that. Yet some days it's easier than one might expect. Some days it's all up hill into the wind, in mud up to your knees. 

In the end, let us carry on. You lead and I'll follow. I'll lead and you'll follow. Carry on my friends, life beckons and grace follows.