Grace To Go On

There are some truly horrible things that happen in life. Tragic losses, illnesses, accidents, suicides, senseless killings. Some so random it's hard to fathom. Many unexpected and completely devastating. Most of us encounter heartbreaking circumstances in life. We are forever changed. 

All this comes to mind because of stories in the news and because an anniversary of the heart is coming up. I journaled frequently when life was fraught with worry and fear. So, I can go back and look at where I was 6 years ago and the years since. I do go back and look. To maintain clarity, to seek new understanding. Just to remember and know I did the best I could at the time. Sometimes it's suggested I just let all that go. To not revisit it, but sometimes it's necessary, sometimes its healing. 

I don't know where you are in life. If you are struggling, if you are faking it while trying to make it. Or if you are basking in sunny skies and happy moments. Maybe right now life is all struggle and hope is waning. Sometimes we don't even know what to hope for. I remember being there. I prayed for answers knowing that none of the answers were easy ones. I recoiled at the ugliness that came my way. I trusted that something good would come of it. Could that be the gift of hard times? That something good comes from all experiences? 

We forget sometimes that there are others who would gladly trade their lives for ours. Even what we consider our messy life, with our hurting hearts. Because their burden weighs so heavy, because our life looks golden. We know it's not all golden. We know it's hard, and we know some moments shine with complete goodness. Because in our hope, be it overflowing or miniscule, grace to go on is found.

Greater Appreciation

I have a greater appreciation for the stages of life. Perhaps this comes from age, from loss, basically from love.

I'll admit to feeling some envy for those just building the lives they seek. For those dating, or getting married, or newly married. The fun, the anticipation, the newness. The infinite possibilities of it all. 

I remember the joy of expecting a baby, and the precious moments with my babies. Except I didn't realize how sacred those moments actually were. I was busy finding my way, learning, growing, worried I wasn't doing it right. I lived from day-to-day feeding babies, changing diapers, keeping house, cooking dinners, falling into bed exhausted. In the blink of an eye, they were off to school, then college and making tracks into lives of their own.

Life changed and I learned about being a single Mom. A path I never expected. Yet there I was. I believed in our marriage, I had hope for it, I was willing to work for it. It's a hard lesson to learn that you can't do the work for two. And marriage is work, commitment, flexibility, investment of love and energy. So, there I was, divorced learning how to navigate life and parenting. So many crossroads life brings us to.

Down the road, I married again which brought many blessings and much sorrow. Lessons keep coming to us in different ways until we learn them. Some of us are quick learners, some remedial. Such is life.

I have a greater appreciation of loss and grief, of rebuilding life after it. Of the sadness that is a constant companion, or the loneliness that comes with it. I understand now how lonely my mom must have been. How a phone call or a visit would have made her day. I wish things had been different with her, but relationships are never easy, ours definitely wasn't. I get it now, the amount of alone time that fills our hours. Just as I understand that my kids have lives of their own. Lives I raised them for, covering them in love, teaching them about strength. Filling them with faith and hope.

I get it now. The journeys life takes us on. The valleys, the mountains, the phases we go through. I'm grateful, I'm wistful. I look longingly back, and faithfully forward. I wish many things were different, and I'm grateful many are not. Without the journey, I'd never know. For that I have greater appreciation.