Greater Appreciation

I have a greater appreciation for the stages of life. Perhaps this comes from age, from loss, basically from love.

I'll admit to feeling some envy for those just building the lives they seek. For those dating, or getting married, or newly married. The fun, the anticipation, the newness. The infinite possibilities of it all. 

I remember the joy of expecting a baby, and the precious moments with my babies. Except I didn't realize how sacred those moments actually were. I was busy finding my way, learning, growing, worried I wasn't doing it right. I lived from day-to-day feeding babies, changing diapers, keeping house, cooking dinners, falling into bed exhausted. In the blink of an eye, they were off to school, then college and making tracks into lives of their own.

Life changed and I learned about being a single Mom. A path I never expected. Yet there I was. I believed in our marriage, I had hope for it, I was willing to work for it. It's a hard lesson to learn that you can't do the work for two. And marriage is work, commitment, flexibility, investment of love and energy. So, there I was, divorced learning how to navigate life and parenting. So many crossroads life brings us to.

Down the road, I married again which brought many blessings and much sorrow. Lessons keep coming to us in different ways until we learn them. Some of us are quick learners, some remedial. Such is life.

I have a greater appreciation of loss and grief, of rebuilding life after it. Of the sadness that is a constant companion, or the loneliness that comes with it. I understand now how lonely my mom must have been. How a phone call or a visit would have made her day. I wish things had been different with her, but relationships are never easy, ours definitely wasn't. I get it now, the amount of alone time that fills our hours. Just as I understand that my kids have lives of their own. Lives I raised them for, covering them in love, teaching them about strength. Filling them with faith and hope.

I get it now. The journeys life takes us on. The valleys, the mountains, the phases we go through. I'm grateful, I'm wistful. I look longingly back, and faithfully forward. I wish many things were different, and I'm grateful many are not. Without the journey, I'd never know. For that I have greater appreciation.