Do you ever wonder why you go through each and every day blessed, grateful and yet still feel sad. Feel lost. Feel like you missed the boat somewhere? Why is it difficult to look forward with happy anticipation? Maybe you know nothing of this reality, and if so I salute you. Maybe sometimes it's easier to chose isolation. Maybe the shadow of grief depletes your supply of inertia.
For me it's a struggle sometimes. I long for changes, for connection and feel anxious when they happen. I did step outside of my introverted comfort zone recently. I invited the whole block over, okay, it was more like two blocks. My street is all one long block on my side, with a couple of intersections on the other. So it was hard to tell who lived on my block, so I went with who lives on my street. I don't really "know" anyone on my street, other than a casual hello when passing them while I'm out walking the dogs. But National Neighbor's Night Out was August 3rd. It seemed like a good time to reach out to my "neighbors".
I have to say I struggled with actually following through with the plan. I can talk a good talk and still abort the mission. I printed the invitations. And then anxiety stymied me. In the end, I had to pull up my big girl panties and walk the walk to follow up the talk. I compromised though. I did it after it was dark so no one saw me. Is that cheating? I don't think so. It was like a stealth mission. I'll admit to considering how the post office doesn't much appreciate putting non-official mail in mail boxes. I took my chances. I put 21 invitations out. I told you I have a long street. Good thing all the mail boxes are on the street or it never would have happened.
I figured, worst case scenario I'd sit on my driveway and drink alone. I drink alone every day. In the morning I drink coffee alone. When I'm thirsty I drink water alone. During happy hour I drink the beverage of the day alone. I'm a pro at this. But sometimes I like to enjoy the company of others. So I pushed past my fears and invited the whole block/street/neighborhood.
I had 7 people and a 4 month old kitten in a stroller attend. The kitten hogged all the attention, but I'm calling it a win. I met a couple who used to live in the neighborhood I lived in as a child. I met a fellow quilter. I met a single Mother with two boys. I met 3 gals on the way to book club who wanted to say a quick hi. I met my fears and pushed passed them.
Did it cure my angst of looking forward with anticipation? Not entirely. But it was a small victory that yielded deeper connections. I feel a bit more like I belong now. And, don't we all need to feel like we belong?