Owning It

I'm pretty sure I should rename this blog..."Owning It Is The First Step", or "What's Your Reality" or "How To Get Through Life With No Easy Lessons".  

First I'll own it. I had one of those days. I looked at others and judged my life, my inside by their outside. "They" look carefree, they look put together, they look like they have it all. They look like life is perfect. And I wept. Because as blessed as I am this is not where I thought I'd be in life. 

Which leads me to "What Is Your Reality".  My reality is I carry the weight of grief on a journey that won't end, but that I will get through. My friends journey is one of breast cancer treatment. Another person's daughter disappeared while hiking 18 days ago and has yet to be found. Another friend is going back to college, with kids in grade school and high school...she's alternately excited and terrified. I have friends who never thought they'd be alone all their life, and yet they are. There are those with money struggles, health issues and those faltering in their faith. There are those who fight the battle of mental illness. Mother's who have miscarried, mother's estranged from their children. It goes on and on. And, sometimes we weep. It is an emotional necessity.

Then we get back to "How To Get Through Life With No Easy Lessons". We do that by looking at the reality other's face, and counting our blessings. I may not be where I thought I'd be, but I'm in less pain than others might be. I'm blessed more than I can count, I just need to stop and count.  Other's might gladly trade their struggles for my reality. I have to judge less, envy less, and love more. You never know from the outside what weight people carry on the inside. If you are invited in to their struggle, or if you reach out to share the struggle, you both will be blessed. Owning it, and helping others own it, is how we get through life. Help someone today, love yourself today. Begin with the blessings.

Waves

Grief, and joy, both come in waves.  Sometimes nonstop waves, sometimes intermittent waves. Sometimes big crashing waves.  Sometimes barely a ripple. It surprises me because there is little or no pattern.  With grief, it hits when it wishes.  I've been learning about the grief waves for almost a year now.  I am no expert, nor will I ever be.  I know at first tears were a daily visitor, sometimes several times a day. Then after a time they visited less frequently.  Certain days of the month were sure to bring them, and then suddenly they didn't.  Now I'm back to the daily waves.  Am I any closer to understanding....no.

Intellectually I get that many of those who chose suicide are in unbearable pain. Emotionally, I wish, and will always wish, there was some other outcome possible.  I can't fathom how bad it must have been, because I've never been in that position.  I do know, that with his death, his release, our pain began. 

You don't get over this loss. You do find your way through. Through the second guessing, through the wondering, through the multitude of questions with no answers.  You get through by the grace of God and the support of those who reach out to steady you. Often they don't know what to say, how to say it or when to say it. So it's isolating for those grieving and those wanting to offer solace.

I get that where there is a loss to suicide, there is plenty of talk about it, just not to those who experienced it. I will always be that person who's husband....shhhhh, they can talk about it, just not to me.  I used to be that person too. By grief I've been blessed with a greater knowledge about compassion. About extending grace, about finding the hard words, about reaching out when needed. 

It is as simple as, I know you are struggling. I'm here for you.  Open that door to understanding and the rest will follow.  So we ride the waves, and trust that in time waves of joy will return and the waves of grief will recede.  Until then we grow.