Waves

Grief, and joy, both come in waves.  Sometimes nonstop waves, sometimes intermittent waves. Sometimes big crashing waves.  Sometimes barely a ripple. It surprises me because there is little or no pattern.  With grief, it hits when it wishes.  I've been learning about the grief waves for almost a year now.  I am no expert, nor will I ever be.  I know at first tears were a daily visitor, sometimes several times a day. Then after a time they visited less frequently.  Certain days of the month were sure to bring them, and then suddenly they didn't.  Now I'm back to the daily waves.  Am I any closer to understanding....no.

Intellectually I get that many of those who chose suicide are in unbearable pain. Emotionally, I wish, and will always wish, there was some other outcome possible.  I can't fathom how bad it must have been, because I've never been in that position.  I do know, that with his death, his release, our pain began. 

You don't get over this loss. You do find your way through. Through the second guessing, through the wondering, through the multitude of questions with no answers.  You get through by the grace of God and the support of those who reach out to steady you. Often they don't know what to say, how to say it or when to say it. So it's isolating for those grieving and those wanting to offer solace.

I get that where there is a loss to suicide, there is plenty of talk about it, just not to those who experienced it. I will always be that person who's husband....shhhhh, they can talk about it, just not to me.  I used to be that person too. By grief I've been blessed with a greater knowledge about compassion. About extending grace, about finding the hard words, about reaching out when needed. 

It is as simple as, I know you are struggling. I'm here for you.  Open that door to understanding and the rest will follow.  So we ride the waves, and trust that in time waves of joy will return and the waves of grief will recede.  Until then we grow.