I'm Okay

If there is one thing I've learned on this journey is that it is okay, to not be okay. The second thing is a code word I want to share.  Listen carefully when people say they are "ok". I'm okay is code. Code for I'm struggling and I don't know if it's safe to share. Code for hurting but I don't like to complain. Code for  some days I'm barely getting by. Code for the reality of life is that it just hurts sometimes.

There have been many graces that have followed the loss in our family. Many involve the shedding of tears. That is part of healing. In the beginning I said I was okay, because I didn't have the words, the strength or the honesty to say I'm a mess. Maybe I couldn't evaluate how large the mess of myself was. It's probably just as well I couldn't. I'm still a mess. Quite honesty, I believe, those who have lost a loved one to suicide will always be a mess.  Somethings you never recover from, your challenge is to go through them.

The challenge is to reshape my mess into a life the looks forward, not back. A life that is open to beauty, joy, and honors both the good memories and the goodness life offers. It is one step forward and two steps back. It is small leaps of faith and huge doses of gentle self care. It is recognizing that growth is sometimes hard to gauge, but trusting it is always there.

So open your ears and heart when someone says they are just OK. It is a gift to recognize and respond to someone in need. It is sharing their mess and helping them through it.