Hard Questions, No Easy Answers

I'm going to ask a hard question. When was the last time you felt attractive? I know, it's an odd question. But when was it? It's been a while for me. I'm not sure why.

Also, I can tell you on any given day I feel somewhat invisible. I have some moments I feel inept. We all do. I had a experience last week where I felt stupid, because I couldn't get something right. I voiced that and it was suggested I should stop having a pity party. I took some time to analyze the way I was judged and the way I was feeling.  Was I expressing self pity? No. I was, probably in a sarcastic manner, expressing that I was feeling stupid for not being able to do what should have been an easy task. Why is it sometimes our ability falls neatly into place and other times we flounder? When that happens negative self talk throws me for a loop. In that case, how I felt and how I was perceived were vastly different. I needed some self acceptance, some encouragement. A little less judgement from the peanut gallery wouldn't have hurt either.

So do I feel invisible because I don't feel heard? Because of stigma? It is an age thing, a status thing? Do I feel invisible because I've lost some of who I am and the confidence that goes with it? Is it because I feel judged, and judge myself as well? Has some sense, or innocence, been taken from me, and how do I get that back? And oh yes, how does one feel attractive?

Holy crap, I'm asking a lot of hard questions with no easy answers. Maybe I need some R&R, a romcom, a glass of wine and an attitude adjustment. Or a psych eval, I'm not sure which or in what order. 

No, this is not a pity party or a lamentation. This is life. It is picking up broken pieces and building a new whole. We've all been shattered at some point in time. If we haven't we will be. We all have the desire to be seen and heard. The need to be valued. The deep need for inclusion and affirmation. The personal need to feel all our feelings including feeling attractive. Pretty sure feeling attractive is an inside job. Although affirmation from the outside helps. How do I get to that? How do I become present and visible, heard, valued and yes, feel attractive. I know, I know....hard questions. I'll ponder them if you will. 

Looking Back, Looking Forward, Life In The Middle

I was looking at journal entries from two years ago. From when I moved from the country to the city. Isn't it wonderful we have no idea how hard something is going to be when we undertake it? Whoever said ignorance is bliss was a freaking genius. I still sometimes look longingly back. I still sometimes look back in horror. I still look back with gratitude. 

Everyday I look at a little note on my mirror that says "what if it's better than you expect". There may be some dark humor in that if your expectations are non-existent. Two years ago I couldn't conceive of looking forward with that attitude. Two years ago everything was hard. Did I think of going back, at times I seriously did. Was it really an option, nope. Did I think of giving up, giving in? No, I did not. Did I wonder where I belonged, would it ever feel like home, would life ever not be hard, was it all a mistake? Heck yes. Show of hands for all of us who've been in that position. 

I wish I could have done a fast forward to here and now. Except growth doesn't come fast, and sometimes you can't tell if you're moving forward. In between back there, and up ahead, is life in the middle.

Life in the middle is a 100% less stressful. Counting that as a win. Life in the middle has settled allowing me to settle in. Life in the middle will always include regrets. Life in the middle is different than I imagined, not exactly what I expected. Some of my expectations were hopeful but not realistic. Again, show of hands if you've shared this experience. Life in the middle gives me pause to realize how many prayers have been answered on my journey. How much has evolved better than I expected. 

Life in the middle is a reflection of my past, my choices, my faith. I'm not where I was, I'm not where I'm going. Whatever you're in the middle of, and I know, we're all in the middle of something.... What if it's better than you expect?

 

3 days 3 weeks 3 months

They say in animal rescue when a new dog comes into your home there is a 3 day 3 week 3 month rule. The first 3 days they are fearful and uncertain, their whole life has changed. They don't know what to expect, it's stressful. At three weeks they are settling in, learning the routine, realizing this may be a permanent place for them, they begin to show their true self. At three months they are comfortable in their new home, they are building trust, and have a sense of security. I'm pretty sure people go through phases like this when circumstances change. The ratio of 3-3-3 is not hard and fast. It varies by situation. 

Even with animals the ratio is an average. We know life doesn't unfold on a set timetable. There are highs, lows, periods of waiting that seem unending. There are stages where your whole world is uprooted, your safety feels shattered, your sense of self lost along with your ability to hope. There are seasons where things settle again and you regain your footing. There are seasons of joy and contentment.

It's okay to take things at your own pace and know the ratio is merely a suggestion. Grief is like that, people who haven't had great losses, may not understand it's a lifelong process. Some people chose to bravely move through the process as best they can. Taking two steps forward, and one step back as needed. Others pause temporarily as they gain strength. Some never recover.

It is a gift to give yourself permission to take your time. Here might not be comfortable, but I'll sit with the icky's until growth moves me along. Here may not be where I want to be, but I won't always be here. Here may be miles away from what was, and miles away from what is meant to be.

Now I'll be the first to say I'd prefer to skip right to the good stuff. Who wouldn't rather bloom without the investment of growing? Can we cut right to dessert (have seconds on it) and pass up our veggies? Can we have the perfect relationship, with ourselves and others, without being present, intentional, invested? Can we bypass the 40 hour work week and zip straight to payday? Yes, yes please! However,under the category of Life Doesn't Work That Way for $200, the answer is nice try, but no such luck.

Your 3 days 3 weeks 3 months, whatever your timetable looks, like is merely a suggestion. The growth, experience, end result is individual and graced in ways we cannot begin to fathom. Divinely lead by a bigger plan.Wrestling with it, pushing it to conform to expectation doesn't work. Like stuffing a big object into a little box. Should fit, might fit, ain't ever gonna fit. 

Give yourself time to evolve. Find some laughter along the way. Trust that all will be well. Know you are not alone. Celebrate the wins however long they take. They are there, some tiny, some huge, some apparent only to you.