Hard Questions, No Easy Answers

I'm going to ask a hard question. When was the last time you felt attractive? I know, it's an odd question. But when was it? It's been a while for me. I'm not sure why.

Also, I can tell you on any given day I feel somewhat invisible. I have some moments I feel inept. We all do. I had a experience last week where I felt stupid, because I couldn't get something right. I voiced that and it was suggested I should stop having a pity party. I took some time to analyze the way I was judged and the way I was feeling.  Was I expressing self pity? No. I was, probably in a sarcastic manner, expressing that I was feeling stupid for not being able to do what should have been an easy task. Why is it sometimes our ability falls neatly into place and other times we flounder? When that happens negative self talk throws me for a loop. In that case, how I felt and how I was perceived were vastly different. I needed some self acceptance, some encouragement. A little less judgement from the peanut gallery wouldn't have hurt either.

So do I feel invisible because I don't feel heard? Because of stigma? It is an age thing, a status thing? Do I feel invisible because I've lost some of who I am and the confidence that goes with it? Is it because I feel judged, and judge myself as well? Has some sense, or innocence, been taken from me, and how do I get that back? And oh yes, how does one feel attractive?

Holy crap, I'm asking a lot of hard questions with no easy answers. Maybe I need some R&R, a romcom, a glass of wine and an attitude adjustment. Or a psych eval, I'm not sure which or in what order. 

No, this is not a pity party or a lamentation. This is life. It is picking up broken pieces and building a new whole. We've all been shattered at some point in time. If we haven't we will be. We all have the desire to be seen and heard. The need to be valued. The deep need for inclusion and affirmation. The personal need to feel all our feelings including feeling attractive. Pretty sure feeling attractive is an inside job. Although affirmation from the outside helps. How do I get to that? How do I become present and visible, heard, valued and yes, feel attractive. I know, I know....hard questions. I'll ponder them if you will.