Asking For Help

I discovered something about myself recently, and it ties directly into the sorrows in my life. I've realized how hard it is to ask for help.  Recent suicides of famous people have many talking about just reaching out for help. Of not being afraid to ask for help. Help is available, it is, of that I have no doubt.  Owning that you can't do something yourself is what holds us up.

My needs are smaller, less catastrophic, and still they are a hurdle. I need help with getting my weed whacker started. I know, it's laughable in a way. I can't get the push mower to start, hence the burning desire to get the weed whacker started. I've asked my son, who gave me long distance directions, I've checked YouTube video's, and I'm still stuck. I need someone with a big tractor to mow the ditch on the north side of the lane. I'm not willing to test my ability to tow the riding mower out of the ditch if I get it stuck. And I'm not willing to risk tipping it over. My kids love that I have that built in sense of self preservation. I need to get past the mind set that when life gets difficult I'll just work harder and live with less. Working harder and going without closes the doors to blessings from an abundant God. Certainly the God of seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive will do the happy dance as I find my voice to ask for help.

So I'm throwing it out there. I need help. I need help in connectivity, in reaching out and owning I can't do it all alone. I need help in owning that hard times also are opportunities to grow more, not just do with less. I need to share when life is hard instead of struggling alone. I need to lean in. I need to trust. Especially when the tendency is to back off and isolate. So there it is, I owned it. I hope you can too, where ever you are in life.

Before me....and, Behind Me

In all my dreams of life, of where it would take me, of what it would hold, losing someone to suicide never entered my mind.  Now that it is my reality it will never leave my mind. This, however, is what I have learned....

I have been gifted with others who have walked this path before me. They are like a life line of sorts. They get the reality, and I can say...did you feel...? does it ever...? How do I...? Why didn't I...? When does it...? How can I...?

No doubt those who have ventured down any crushing path in life can relate. Having kindred spirits ahead of you, and yes, behind you makes all the difference. The kindred spirits, become a unique part of your support system.

There are more of us out there than most people know.  So many experience the loss to suicide in some way, shape or form. So few share their experience.  Luckily I've connected with several who walk my walk, but started before me.
And luckily, I've connected with one so far, who walks behind me. I don't have  the answers to a loss that comes with a bazillion questions. I do have a little experience which is valuable to someone with no experience.

I don't know the name of the lady who walks behind me. I met her through work, I see her in the store. If I never know her name, it won't matter. All that matters is that we share pain. She knows she can lean on me whenever our paths cross.  I know I can lean on those ahead of me, and support those behind me. Others will join in as I connect in life and because of death. Therein lies the grace, and I'm counting that as a win.