Small World, Big World?

How big is your world? I've been pondering that. Feeling that my world is small. Limited. Often lonely. I find myself comparing my life to others. Okay, I'll own it, I compare it to couples sometimes. I compare it to young adults with big social circles. I compare it to young marrieds who seem to have it all. I look at the people who seem to have golden lives with no struggles. I compare it to people with dual high dollar incomes and opportunities to travel. I compare mine to other peoples life persona's. Because there is no way to know their life reality.

I need to rein those comparisons in. I don't know their reality. Other than it's a really pretty picture from the outside. I do know reality changes over the years. I know I need to make adjustments for "perfect" world dreams and real life normalcy. In the middle of all this is my comfort zone. My faith base, my work and home responsibilities. 

I find myself, or recognize my self introversion. I find I long for connection and social activity, and also feel anxiety in partaking in it. Sometimes safe is home on the sofa with the dogs. Okay, maybe most times. Other times I want to be out there experiencing new things, meeting new people. Finding the balance between one and the other is the rub.

Maybe those with big busy worlds long for smaller slower paced worlds. Maybe they long for quiet time. Just as I long for conversation and the ability to be comfortable sharing my real self. Not just the self who works 40 hours a week meeting work expectations. Life has been hard, and as I've pulled back to protect myself from being vulnerable, being hurt, I've lost confidence and trust. Or, the flip side, is maybe this is the time to really learn to trust myself, be comfortable being myself. Love myself. 

Perhaps a small world is not a bad thing. Maybe people with small worlds can make big differences. Just because life as I once knew it is over, it doesn't mean life in general is over. Life each day is new and different. I need to accept my place in it. I need to learn to feel safe in it. By both stretching myself, and by honoring what I know is true for me. 

Some people would love a small world with all the comforts I enjoy. I need to be one of them. What about you? Big world? Small world? Are you comfortable? Do you need to grow your reality, honor it, or embrace it?

No regret....

They say you can't go forward in life by continuing to look in the rear view mirror. Life is ahead of us not behind. I can't argue with that logic, but I also believe the lessons from the life behind us represent growth opportunities and experiences that take time to process and fully understand. If only learning was instantaneous. Instead it is an introspective process. Sometimes we aren't ready to embrace the lesson until we get further down the road.

Sometimes we make decisions assuming others are the problem without understanding how we influenced it. Sometimes we are spot on with our choices, based either on sound knowledge or trusting our intuition. Sometimes those choices which seem self protective are also self prohibitive with long term losses. They can be both. Life is complicated.

Things/decisions I do not regret. Saying yes to dogs. Thirty years ago I lived under the precept that "we weren't home enough to have a dog". So grateful, as are the dogs I've had the opportunity to love and foster, that I said wait, What? I can make room in my life for dogs. And, I did it in a big way.

I do not regret saying yes to marriage, even though twice it didn't pan out as I hoped and dreamed. Do I believe in it? Yes. Do I know, in spite of human mistakes, that I gave my all. Yes I do. Did it mess with my head, yup. Were they both huge losses, enormously. However, they were not without gifts and graces too many to number.

Do I regret or doubt that all this was divinely led? Not even a little. I am a far cry from practicing the faith I grew up with. Still I Believe. My faith has evolved with my life as it plays out. I know the big guy upstairs holds my hand daily. Just as I know he laughs at my Nancy-isms and blonde moments, leads me gently as I move through my days. Keeping me on the path even though my propensity to wander is strong. Hey girl, c'mon back, must be whispered in my ear daily.

Do I regret taking all this, this life that has been a lot, and sharing it with whoever needs it? Not even. I hope these words find their way to hearts hurting and healing. To hearts needing encouragement. To hearts worrying. To hearts open to being washed in grace. To hearts barely cracking the door to faith and grace. To hearts unsure they can go on. Trust me, we need you. My path is different than yours. But some life lessons transfer like credit from one school of life to another. Carry on, and know you are not alone.

Mindfully, Gently, Lovingly

I don't know about you, but I would guess some of us are more self-critical, than we are self-encouraging. For myself, I can say yes I am to the former, and no I'm not to the latter. For me, part of that is the underlying fear of not getting "it" right. The "it" can be anything. I grew up walking on egg shells to keep the peace. Peace that I was not responsible for. In between keeping the peace I did my best to be "invisible". Or as invisible as possible. Getting "it" right was paramount. I tried and tried, and couldn't keep the peace because it was beyond my control. Peace keeping and closing your self off to the point of invisibility is a heavy, heavy burden to carry. Releasing that weight is work in progress.

There are distinct moments in my life that the feeling of not getting "it" right was absolutely soul crushing. I remember leaving an attorney's office over 20 years ago thinking I had proof that I was dumb as dirt. Not because I was, but because legal matters are complicated and I don't have legal knowledge. My attorney did his job by law, by procedure, but did not connect with compassion. If I could go back in time, I'd find someone who would speak to me, not down to me. I could have also found someone I could trust that pain with to help me process it. At the time I was unable to advocate for myself, and no one advocated for me. I can see it in a different light now.

Other such moments occurred as I grew emotionally and set firm boundaries. It's hard to learn things that should have been taught so long ago. Hard, but not impossible. As I was growing and learning about how I was willing to live life, what I could carry, what I couldn't, my spouse made the choice to give up on life. I think my first words were, and will always be, it didn't have to be this way. Truth, it didn't have to be this way. He was unable/unwilling to advocate for himself, and though I tried, I couldn't do it for him. No more than I could keep the peace. Or stay invisible. It was simply not within my capacity. It didn't have to be this way, and I was unable to prevent it.

The worry of not getting "it" right causes me anxiety. It also gives me a multitude of opportunities to be less self critical and more self loving. I have to be mindful of it, and when my mind is full, I sometimes forget. I heard someone at work say they were terrible at their job. Are they? Nope, but in their head a voice said they didn't get "it" right so they must be terrible.

What does your inner voice say? What does it say when you are sad. What does it say when you are struggling? What does it say when you look in the mirror? What does it say if you have a human moment and don't get "it" right? What does it say when you do great? What does it say when you go to bed at night? How can we be more mindful, more gentle, more accepting of all the parts of ourselves. The parts that get it right and the parts that momentarily don't. How do we extend this grace to ourselves, and to others? I think we do that by listening, by nurturing, and by advocating for ourselves. Some days we will get it right. The other days we embrace as an opportunity to begin again, mindfully, gently, lovingly.