I don't know about you, but I would guess some of us are more self-critical, than we are self-encouraging. For myself, I can say yes I am to the former, and no I'm not to the latter. For me, part of that is the underlying fear of not getting "it" right. The "it" can be anything. I grew up walking on egg shells to keep the peace. Peace that I was not responsible for. In between keeping the peace I did my best to be "invisible". Or as invisible as possible. Getting "it" right was paramount. I tried and tried, and couldn't keep the peace because it was beyond my control. Peace keeping and closing your self off to the point of invisibility is a heavy, heavy burden to carry. Releasing that weight is work in progress.
There are distinct moments in my life that the feeling of not getting "it" right was absolutely soul crushing. I remember leaving an attorney's office over 20 years ago thinking I had proof that I was dumb as dirt. Not because I was, but because legal matters are complicated and I don't have legal knowledge. My attorney did his job by law, by procedure, but did not connect with compassion. If I could go back in time, I'd find someone who would speak to me, not down to me. I could have also found someone I could trust that pain with to help me process it. At the time I was unable to advocate for myself, and no one advocated for me. I can see it in a different light now.
Other such moments occurred as I grew emotionally and set firm boundaries. It's hard to learn things that should have been taught so long ago. Hard, but not impossible. As I was growing and learning about how I was willing to live life, what I could carry, what I couldn't, my spouse made the choice to give up on life. I think my first words were, and will always be, it didn't have to be this way. Truth, it didn't have to be this way. He was unable/unwilling to advocate for himself, and though I tried, I couldn't do it for him. No more than I could keep the peace. Or stay invisible. It was simply not within my capacity. It didn't have to be this way, and I was unable to prevent it.
The worry of not getting "it" right causes me anxiety. It also gives me a multitude of opportunities to be less self critical and more self loving. I have to be mindful of it, and when my mind is full, I sometimes forget. I heard someone at work say they were terrible at their job. Are they? Nope, but in their head a voice said they didn't get "it" right so they must be terrible.
What does your inner voice say? What does it say when you are sad. What does it say when you are struggling? What does it say when you look in the mirror? What does it say if you have a human moment and don't get "it" right? What does it say when you do great? What does it say when you go to bed at night? How can we be more mindful, more gentle, more accepting of all the parts of ourselves. The parts that get it right and the parts that momentarily don't. How do we extend this grace to ourselves, and to others? I think we do that by listening, by nurturing, and by advocating for ourselves. Some days we will get it right. The other days we embrace as an opportunity to begin again, mindfully, gently, lovingly.
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