A Light In The Dark

Every day we build our life. We have new experiences, we learn, meet new people, develop relationships. There is a relationship in my life called grief. If we live, and we love, we will also grieve at some point. Grief lurks in the background sometimes, other times it jumps out front and center. We can say we make peace with it, but I'll admit to struggling with it. 

Many years ago I was in a vehicle that went backwards off a cliff from a one lane road in Hawaii. When the vehicle stopped, all four wheels were off the ground. A boulder stopped us from rolling. Thank God for the boulder. None of us suffered serious injuries. All of us were changed. I can only speak for myself, but I had to wonder, and still do why we walked away. Medical personnel told us no one walks away from these types of accidents. Yet, we did. So I have to believe there was something in the bigger plan that I was meant to do. 

I'd also like to think the bigger plan was not to be a survivor of suicide loss. Thing is, I didn't get to pick the plan, I just have to navigate through it. The "what if's" go on and on. What if this, what if that. The further down the road of grief, the less these thoughts plague you. Sometimes though, like around the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, plain old uneventful days, rainy days, sunny days it all surfaces. Am I meant to bear witness to faith, to survival? Am I meant to lead others who struggle by owning my truth? Am I meant to boldly say mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of? Can I say survivor of suicide loss enough times that it breaks down even a tiny bit of the stigma? 

When I changed jobs this year, my "story" which most people only know pieces of preceded me. People love to share pieces and feed the stigma. People didn't treat me different, make me a source of gossip, whisper about what happened when I was in an accident. People have accidents. Accidents are unfortunate, even tragic, but "acceptable". Suicide is another thing. And you know what? Suicide is not acceptable. Treating someone different because of it is not acceptable. Feeling shame because you struggle with mental health is not acceptable. Giving up entirely is not acceptable. Being afraid to ask for help is not acceptable. Losing precious lives to mental health issues is not acceptable. 

So, as another birthday that cues the grief is days away, I wonder if my bigger plan was/is to be a light in the dark. Time will tell. Even being a tiny light is a gift. May we all be tiny lights, or big bold bright lights. Tell your story, own your truth, trust the process. Open the doors to acceptance, heal some pain, diffuse the stigma. So know and trust...that it is no accident that you and I are here, right where we need to be, to make a difference some way, some how.