Change

Change is on my horizon. Let me be the first to admit, I weep daily because of it. Even when I am moving in the right direction I weep. I weep because even good change is hard. I weep because letting go of one thing to grasp another requires courage and faith. In between those two places is the unknown. 

I know my history here, I know the joys, the challenges that came with it, I know the depth of the losses. I know the blessings, graces and friendships that have sustained me. I fully trust I will be as blessed in the future where ever I land. Still, letting go is hard.

I will not miss the comments I still receive, in passing, that connect me to the actions of my late husband when he chose to end his life. That stigma precedes me here. I never asked to be "that person", I like to believe I am my own person. A person who endured great trauma and horrible loss. Let it end there. I know it won't, but I'd like it to. Part of being a survivor of suicide loss is the stigma. Beyond my control, and yet, hard on my heart.

I am trying to balance appreciating all the blessings this chapter of life offered, grieve the losses, and look forward to great things coming my way. I feel like a weepy juggler trying to keep it all in control. Keep in mind, I'm not a juggler, we never really have control and I wouldn't be me if I my eyes didn't leak regularly.

So here I am. In transition, guided by faith and trust (although they get shaky at times). Surrounded by those who love me here, and there, and ready to love anew down the road. May the road be smooth, with hands to hold along the way.