Feeling Connected

As a survivor of suicide loss, I struggle with feeling connected. Honestly, trusting and feeling connected has always been baggage I've carried. The stigma of suicide added greatly to that. Part of me feels completely invisible and the rest of me is just afraid to be seen. Of late, I've been unpacking it, sorting it out, and working on letting it go. It's not an easy process.

I don't believe Gordon's choice was instantaneous, it came after a long downward spiral, and he was at risk from having lost a sibling to suicide. The connection we shared as husband and wife was repeatedly challenged, and over time became so broken. Looking back I can see how many emotional hits we took as a couple, and to a degree how it affected us individually. 

Connection is hard, it involves trust and trust involves vulnerability. While my instinct is to not trust so easily, that results in great isolation. I will not let my life choices, and his, define me. So I am taking baby steps to feeling more connected.

How do you do this you ask? And why would someone own this publicly? I'm learning how to walk this path by faith, with the help of a wise mental health care professional, and the support of people who love me. Why would I share this? Because I choose not to be alone. Alone is where we hide our inner pain. Alone is where we can lose our way in life. I'm unpacking it, looking it over, deciding what needs to be saved and what needs to be released. There is great knowledge in there, and there are mixed messages that need the light of day to be put to rest. 

I'm allowing myself more. More time with friends, more time in prayer, more grace when I make mistakes, more self acceptance, more self understanding, more gratitude. And, yes, I have to push myself to do it. It's okay to have to push myself, in fact it's absolutely necessary. I have made so many mistakes along the way, and have many regrets. Pretty sure I am not alone in this feeling. And I love knowing I am surrounding myself with healthy connections as I learn and grow. 

So I share these thoughts for my growth, and for others who struggle. For others hiding their pain and hurting, suffering in isolation. For people like me, like you, and the Gordon's of the world who lost their life to mental illness.