Three hundred sixty five days ago Gordon chose to end his life. That just begins to number the days we will try to make sense of his decision. To make sense of the incomprehensible. To accept the unacceptable, to attempt to wrap our heads around his choice.
I'm only beginning,to push through the stigma that comes with a death by suicide. I struggle with saying my husband died by suicide. I struggle with talking about him, even when I long to hear memories about him. The isolation, the head games, the feeling of being judged at worst, and knowing you're being gossiped about at best. The regret of wishing you could have done more, the shame of an outcome beyond your control. I am more than the consequences of his choices. Yet I know I walk with his choice preceding me and following me. And you know what? He was more than his final choice.
These days I struggle with going places and being the single one. Especially the single one who's spouse chose to die. I struggle with conversations in groups, it's harder now to share of myself and easier to merely listen. I wrestle with choosing solitude and resenting it.
Untreated depression, health issues, life frustrations, anger,job losses all played a role in his choice. In the end his pain was greater than his ability to cope.
At the very least I can write about it, advocate, and share what the journey is like. It is not something that I/we had control over. We were not included in his decision. Even those who reached out to him could do no more than that. It is not a neat and tidy act, and healing from it is the same. I am acutely aware of being a alone and painfully aware of why.
It seems ironic, in retrospect, that he died during Suicide Prevention Month. Ironic too that his decision was, no doubt, fed by regrets. Our journey forward is filled with the same. If I've learned one thing this year is that we need to reach past the awkwardness, ask the hard questions, breech the painful silences and subjects. We need to reach out. And we need to know, in our heart of hearts, we are never truly alone.
I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I am sorry that Gordon’s burden was so heavy he couldn’t bear it anymore. I do not know what your pain feels like because I have never had this experience. I do know I am learning from you, through your grief and your pain. You are so strong to be able to share it with us. I want you to know you may be physically alone, but you are loved, prayed for and thought of by many of us. I am so grateful I have been able to get to know you and learn from you. I hope we are able to spend more time together in the future. Hugs!
ReplyDelete"fed by regrets" strong statement and correctly stated. an individual sees his regrets and they overwhelm them. hit them as a huge wave and no longer can they stand him to the hard hit of their perception of the world. Sadly we do not see that this is a moment of weakness and we lose a truly wonderful person. but we cannot change the moment. However if we think of their strength in other moments of their life We can be strong. and that is their final gift to us. Thank you Gordon, Thank you Jenx!
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