New Normal

Life changes after a loss. After a health issue, the loss of a relationship, a loss by death. We pick up the pieces of what life once was, of the person we were and reassemble them into our new normal. First I'm gonna say, there ain't nothing "normal" about this new normal. That phrase ticks me off. I never asked for new, and I certainly can't define normal.

Most days, I can tuck the enormity, the reality, of Gordon's death away and go about life. Other times I am overcome by how tragic a death by suicide is. It is impossible to absorb all of it. I cannot fathom the level of his pain, as I try to process my pain. The first year was mostly numb, which is a blessing of sorts. The second year is harder than the first. Each holiday, wedding, anniversary, birthdays, the 19th of the month, even random days bring the pain to the surface.

I feel like I repeat myself as I share this struggle. Perhaps because over and over I am poignantly reminded how hard life is. For others the event happened long ago, and they are over it. Over it is not an option I have. 

It makes me wonder why. Why and what purpose this served. What am I supposed to do with it and how do I make something of this. Why am I where I am in life? In moments of doubt, and we all have them, I wonder if I'm where I need to be or am I supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. I wait for those answers.

Reality is that life is a mix of grief and grace, joy and tears. So I continue on the journey life placed before me. Perhaps you do too. Maybe, I'm here to remind you that you are not alone in your struggles. Maybe the message is life is hard, but together we are strong. Maybe grace is found in the rubble, and growth comes from it. I wish you grace, and growth. And a new you, normal or not.