Even When

Many years ago I began a list of graces/blessings. I try to write some down every day. Some days I'll write several. The goal being to reach 1000 graces, originally without any duplication's.  I owe this lovely idea to friend of mine from town. The first time I met her I had a complete melt down in her store. Bless her heart for passing out Kleenex, encouragement and the challenge to count 1000 graces.

Truth be told I had a list of several hundred graces going when mental illness took Gordon. When he went, he took my list out with him. His despair was overwhelming. As where his very actions.

I've learned a lot since then. I am still on that path of learning. I've learned that counting blessings is critical to my life. Duplicates absolutely count. Some blessings just have to be counted more than once. Even if I can't remember counting something, it's okay. Forgiveness, forgetfulness and acceptance of our frailty counts double. 

Even when I struggle for patience, understanding and comfort in where I am today there are blessings. I wrestle with being comfortably alone, when I am alone. And, I struggle with being comfortable in a group when I'm in a group.  I am anxious being the single in a group of couples. I'm not quite sure where I fit anywhere at anytime.  It's hard to process the pain, and release it into healing. It's a rugged journey, one I never asked for. 

Even when the feeling of being lost and alone is strong, I can find the grace within. I can't count the number of times I've given thanks for the tears. I will continue to do so over and over. The times I separate things down to the smallest gift of grace are so worth noting. This list is proof that there is always something to be grateful for. Even if I am not where I want to be in life. Even when grief weighs heavy. Even when I look back at what was lost, and look ahead wondering how to find peace in it. Even then I have more blessings/graces than I can shake a stick at. 

So I count these gifts in my head, but also on paper. It's like a freeze frame of precious gifts. All worth counting, all worth experiencing. Duplication's acceptable. Losing my first list did not destroy those blessings, they exist, and they continue to be counted day in and day out.