Strength For The Journey

I haven't written specifically about grief for a while. It tends to come and to go, sometimes like a small nagging reminder, sometimes like a huge flood of pain. Truth be told it never goes away. We learn, day-after-day, to live with it. In that process we rebuild a new life.

Granted, it's never quite the same, because we evolve along with our grief. As we change, so does our grief. They say the first year you are mostly numb. As you get further down the road, you wish you could go back to the numb. In the middle of the numb you just do the best you can with whatever brain power you have to work with. Then they tell you the second year is harder than the first. So much for any hope of a reprieve. I'm well into the third year and find it's taking some hard jabs at me.

I still struggle with the stigma of being a survivor of suicide loss. I still try to wrap my head around the reality of it. I still lay in bed and wonder how can this be, how did this happen, what could have been done differently. I still find myself both visible because of it and invisible because of it. People sometimes don't hesitate to tell me of other suicidal tragedies, and sometimes I don't have the strength to carry that additional pain. 

I also know, that having chosen to speak of the journey, people expect a certain strength from me, a dedication to the process, a life mission of sorts. It's there,  some days I can carry the load and articulate it. Other times the tears force me to hunker down, to feel and release the pain. Both the strong days and the grieving days serve a purpose. 

This I know. We all grieve losses at some point in life. They come in a million ways, shapes and forms. Some come early in life, some mid-way through, some late in life. They come in the shapes of illnesses, pandemics, divorces, job losses, and other tragedies of the heart. When they do, know you are not alone. Know the tears are part of the healing no matter how wretched they feel. Know that it's okay to not be okay. Know that asking for help is a good thing, a smart thing, an important thing. 

Then remember we only have to do this one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. There is grace in taking it bit-by-bit, moment-by-moment. Growth, like grieving and healing, is a slow process. So cry when you need to, surrender to the process, have faith in the outcome. We'll get through this, trust me on this.