Truths

I have written a lot about the personal pain of losing a spouse to suicide. I've written of the unending questions, the why's, the what's ifs, the I wish I had's.  I've written how impossible it is to comprehend this tragedy even as I walked through it. Even as I continue to walk through it. 

I read other stories of suicide loss. All are traumatic events.  None of us ever thought we'd have to navigate an experience like this. Some stories look so much more horrifying in terms of the death itself. Some look less complicated if makes any sense. The unbelievable loss is still there, the experience involved in it is different.

While I often speak of the pain of it, I have never spoken the truth of it. The truth is mental illness changed the man I married into a completely different person. Looking back, I believe he suffered from mental illness for years. It manifested in many ways including the inability to retain employment, relationship issues, depression, anger outbursts, procrastination, road rage, a sense of entitlement, a negative attitude, bitterness. In the later part of our marriage the disease brought out passive-aggressive behavior and emotional abuse. 

Most people never saw this side of him. Some saw small glimpses but not the full picture. For a long time I never saw the full picture. In between he was active, involved, entertaining, loving, had friends he cared deeply for, children and grandchildren he adored, was interested in local and world events, was able to BS with anyone and never missed an opportunity to do so.

Very few knew, and in many ways I never owned or shared the truth of it. Like mental illness, the reality of living with someone suffering from it, is rarely spoken of. Sometimes it takes years to put the pieces together and realize what you're dealing with. In the meantime act as if everything is okay, don't speak of the bad parts and carry on. 

I am choosing not to hold the silence. In retrospect I can see the downward spiral. I can see the changes mental illness made in him. The pieces which seemed random and out of place over the years, tell a story now. It cost us our marriage, and it cost him his life. His story ended brutally and tragically. He chose to end his pain, and take it out on me. 

We can't change something unless we own it. I am owning it, and sharing because my story isn't over. I am sharing it for those who hold on to the facade that all is well when things are far from well. For those afraid to own that their spouse, or a friend, parent or child is not okay. I am sharing for the people suffering in the hopes they reach out for help. There are lifelines available. Some come in the form of medication and treatment. Some come in the form of truths like mine.