Walking Faith Forward

I am not sure which takes more strength. Holding on or letting go. I will say it is mentally and physically exhausting. Of late, exhaustion is the name of the road I've been on.

Now I could define lately as the last 6 months, the last 3 years, or even longer. I have been in flux for a long time. My health has suffered for it, and depression has weighed heavy. Sneaky thing about depression, when you are in the midst of it you can't tell you are in the midst of it. There is no shame in owning your battle. There is relief in opening it to the light. There is hope and joy on the road ahead.

I am pretty sure I've been simultaneously holding on and trying to let go. At best it has been counter productive. I've been fighting the process rather than embracing the process. I have been looking back instead of looking forward. Let me tell you looking forward is scary.

Looking back does offer some insights. It is a chance to count past blessings, see how grace unfolded in ways you couldn't have imagined. It allows you to rejoice in the good things, and to grieve the losses. Life is hard. Not exactly a news bulletin right? 

Today we moved the last of my belongings from the country to the city. Now, I will always be a country girl at heart. This country girl owns way too much garden stuff. If that is humanly possible. Take that as a rhetorical question. I'm trying to find my place in this life of mine. It involves letting go, cherishing the memories and healing deep sorrows. It involves walking faith forward so I can embrace what is. 

Growth is hard journey. Grueling and sometimes lonely. But only as lonely as we let it be. Struggling to feel and be healthy has made it even more difficult. But, and there is always a but, it is necessary, possible and grace filled. May I say, it's okay to not be okay and owning it helps heal it. I am giving myself permission to lay down the weight of both holding on and letting go. You can to.