I'm Finding

I'm finding myself. I'm finding my way. Sometimes with one foot planted in the past and the other trying to move into the future. It takes a while to get anywhere like that. Growth, like healing, is a slow process. Don't get me wrong, there are dazzling moments of clarity and boggling moments of uncertainty. Admittedly the dazzling moments are few and far between. Mostly we plan and pray the road opens up in ways we'd like. We are hesitant, and questioning. On a path that is sometimes rocky and obscure. 

If it was easy, if it was obvious, it wouldn't propel us forward. Life is what happens between point A and point B. It's messy, it's heartbreaking, it's beautiful. I had this vision of what it would be like moving back to the city, back near my kids. I thought it would be full of social opportunities. I didn't anticipate social distancing, and a pandemic. For a while I was deeply alone in a place that didn't feel like home. I was used to alone. Alone in a place you feel at home in is a different kind of alone. Alone in the unknown is painful. Through this I've learned not to fight being alone. 

The few I interact with socially are family and dear friends. Even then visits are few and far between. I know I'll see less of them in the winter months. Because of this communication takes on new meaning.This pandemic has pushed us to condense our interactions to the bare minimum. For the record it sucks. It's necessary, but it sucks. It does not, and cannot, erase our connections. They are sacred. Some are connections we've grown up with, some are newer. Some help us find our way when we get lost, share our laughter, bring us gifts that build our faith. Some share our passions, and some are vastly different. Some understand our pain, some love us in ways we can't love ourselves.

I am finding my way. Never in a million years did I dream I'd be here, now, as I am. I could not anticipate the losses, the grief, the growth or the blessings. I'm finding alone is okay (as long as I have dogs) and people I love near. And...."near" is not defined in miles but by interaction, investment and connection. Would I prefer things to be different? Perhaps in some cases, not at all in some situations, absolutely in others, and possibly in a few. But, here is filled with grace. Here is part of a journey, not simply a destination. Here is an unfolding. So I trust in the process even when I don't understand it. I work to accept the now, and find myself in small ways and large.