Between Here and There

 A lot of life is spent between here and there. Here and there happens in relationships, on the job, on the road, in retrospect, in the future. 

This time of year I spend a lot of time between here, and there. There being the days leading up to my husband's choice to end his life. And, here, being where I am now. I have a journal I look back at to remember details of what "there" looked like at the time. Honestly, there was pretty ugly. It was worse than I realized at the time. Because I didn't know what I now know about mental health, about relationships, about making different choices. We look at the outside and think "they" have it all. You may have thought that about us. I may have thought that about us. What looks like all is not everything. Inside can be so very different. Our "there" would appall most of you, often it still appalls me. 

Which leads me to here. Here is what I make of it, being led by faith, sustained by people who love me, healing day-by-day. Here is building a new life. Yes, it takes years to build a new life. Building a new life means facing fears. Rational fears, irrational fears, and moments of anxiety. It involves leaving what you know and trusting you'll be okay. Case in point, I've been walking at a lovely park for almost a year, staying safely on the cement path. Surrounded by lovely hills complete with dirt walking paths I've been afraid of venturing onto. Why? Because I don't know where the path goes. Not knowing escalates my anxiety. It is hard to feel safe after experiencing trauma. 

Today, the dogs and I left the safe path and took the path unknown. Now, if I was more directionally gifted, I would worry less. I'm not that person. Still we meandered the path. Next time I'll even let myself enjoy it. I trusted my scant directional instincts and got us back to where I wanted to be. I did breathe a sigh of relief.

Here includes reclaiming my sense of adventure. Here includes building resilience. Here includes both honoring and letting go of the past. There happened, and one of us survived. I wish it was both of us. Here knows life is a process, sometimes pretty, sometimes painful. Here knows we have to push through to grow. We have to keep pushing. Between here and there may involve a dirt path. Take it. Then next time take it and let yourself enjoy it.