#outofthedarkness

Four years ago today life changed. One life died. Life after began. In the years since I've participated in several groups that support those who have lost someone to suicide. It has been eye opening and heartbreaking. Each story is different, only the end result is the same. None of us chose to be in a group like this. All of us are horrified to belong. Each of us are changed by it. Each of us suffers the loss daily as we try to rebuild a new life.

Some might wonder if there were signs leading up to his choice. Some were subtle, some not so subtle. He had lost a sister to suicide which doubled his risk. He'd had a stroke but was recovering well from it. Our marriage was failing. There was help available, help offered, our prayer community prayed for him, people reached out to him, medication was taken sporadically and then quit entirely. He denied that he was at risk. He mostly did not let on that he was lost and struggling. I knew of his struggle by the ways he took his pain out on me. We are sometimes most hurtful to those we care about. His family knew and reached out. Sadly, one cannot control another persons choice/actions.

In that darkness of his last day he met with his friends from the coffee cult at the Co-op. He did not let them know of his tenuous hold on life. He let himself into the house where the rage, pain and hopelessness overtook him. He expressed rage in the form of vandalizing the house with hateful graffiti written on the walls, art work, cabinets. He damaged personal items, he destroyed a list of daily gratitude's I kept. He shot a hole in the bath tub because he could. In a manner he shared his pain tangibly before he ended it. He expressed his last F-you. He called 911 and while talking to the dispatcher he fired his gun. There is small comfort in knowing he was not entirely alone as he completed his choice. 

In all of this I know he loved his children and grandchildren with his whole heart and soul. He loved his friends. He loved the Oklahoma Sooner's and the Steeler's, cigars, scotch, fishing, hunting and life in the country. He loved to shoot the shit with anyone willing to chat. He was an expert at that. He knew the pain of suicide loss and yet succumbed to it himself. He struggled with mental health and chose not to treat it. As a man, particularly, the stigma of that illness factored in. He didn't like doctors to begin with. He was not great at owning mistakes in life. And face it, we all make mistakes in life. We are humans who experience human moments of error, hurtful actions, painful mistakes. We all have opportunities to grow. We all have regrets.

Afterwards I clearly remember repeatedly saying "it didn't have to be like this". Trying to wrap my head around this new reality and the enormity of his actions.  I cannot stress this enough. It didn't have to be like this. If we are able to take one step toward mental health and suicide awareness let it be this. It does not have to be like this. It begins with one step, sometimes just one short phrase saying I am not okay. I am not okay is the most okay truth we can own. I am not okay is not a death sentence.  I am not okay is not a shameful thing to say. I am not okay is a life affirming step towards help.

Yesterday I attending the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Out Of The Darkness Walk. I stood with thousands of other grieving people who lost someone to mental illness. I stood for hope and for mental health. I stood for a man who suffered and lost the battle. I stood with the compassionate understanding that it is okay to not be okay. I stood understanding that life is hard, that we all suffer at some point in our life, we all make mistakes. Our challenge is to grow through our struggles. To be a light for others. To seek out the light when we fight the darkness. Speak of the darkness, own the darkness. Step out of the darkness. It doesn't have to be like this. Your life matters.