XYZ

I am trying to find grace and gratitude for where I am in life, because Lord knows alone is never where I wanted to be. A survivor of suicide loss is never what I wanted to be. I never wanted to be divorced, and I never wanted to be widowed. I never wanted to suffer from a multitude of things that came with this life I have been blessed with. Yes, blessed, even when parts of it were a total shit show. Owning it, the messy, complicated, dysfunctional person I am, and the journey it's taken me on.

There it is. I am imperfect. I am human. I find some people irritating, and others delightful. Pretty sure I am both irritating and delightful. Hopefully, 80% delightful and 20%, give or take, irritating. But hey, numbers and percentages? Not my gig.

It is completely possible to live a life filled with gratitude and at the same time wrestle with being grateful. I wouldn't be here without XYZ having happened. In the case of my children XYZ was the greatest blessing of my life. XYZ also led me to being a single Mother and a crazy dog lady. Not sure those were on my list of life goals, but I've rocked that out by the grace of God.

XYZ led me to a second marriage, life in rural Nebraska and a sense of belonging in a place I never new I needed. It came with trials and triumphs. Life just does. XYZ led me down a rugged path full of stigma, regrets and grief. It led me out of the country and back to what was once home. I'd be lying if I didn't say I long for gravel roads and country living. It led me to being alone, which is exactly what I never ever wanted. Obviously, though what I needed. XYZ also led me to the constant four footed companions that bring me such joy. It pushed me to put their needs first and in return I soak in their devotion. It moved me to taking them out for walks nearly every day of the year for their bliss, which also became mine. We don't always go far, but we go. Today we walked in the rain. Yes, it would have been easier to stay in. To say, not today, not in the rain, maybe later. But all the XYZ's led me to say why not in the rain? Why not? 

Why not show up for life in the rain, and in the shine? Why not laugh at the incongruity of it all? Why not get wet and why not cherish soft towels to dry us off? If XYZ hadn't occurred, the walk we took today would never have happened. The rain added a new layer of memories. A new experience of gratitude, a new sense of adventure. XYZ is full of grace, and soft towels to dry off with come in a myriad of shapes. Many we could never imagine. We just have to stay the course. Whatever your XYZ is, know it's exactly where you need to be. Know it's blessed, even when it's rugged. Know you will be provided with soft towels as needed. Be open to them, use them and give thanks. And maybe, just maybe, those towels should be monogrammed with XYZ.