Stigma, let's talk about it.

I want to talk about stigma.....again. Because I continue to experience it, will probably always experience it. I don't like it but maybe talking about stigma will reduce it.

People who have experienced a traumatic loss are treated differently. Sometimes deliberately, sometimes very subtly. People don't look at us the same, partly because of fear, partly from judgement. Heck, maybe you can tell me why people look at us differently. My guess is partly because they just don't quite know what to do with us. We are proof that life can get messy, that tragedy happens. That, yes, it can happen to anyone. 

Case in point, one person I know never hesitates to say, oh that person's spouse, or child or whoever died by suicide. Now, I don't know the person being referenced. I don't need the weight of their pain on top of my own. I don't want to know their story from someone else. Tragic stories are personal. Not everyone needs the details. Especially in third person. Do I believe our stories need to be shared, absolutely. But, we get to choose who we share with and what we share. Sadly, others feel the need to do that for us. 

I can mostly tell when my story has preceded me. Because no one asks me personal questions. This might be a mixed blessing. Where did you grow up is a safe question. How is work is another. How are your kids is an easy one. It's an odd sort of isolation that is completely unnecessary. 

I try not to be defined by my loss. Some days I win that battle, other times not so much. I know too, that others define me, consciously or unconsciously. They define me by telling my story like it is theirs to tell. People suggest that someone divorcing will date again and try to find someone to set them up with. People will ask about ex-spouse/partner. Loss of a spouse by divorce is acceptable and life goes on. Loss of a relationship by suicide breeds stigma. Like the surviving person is a little sketchy somehow. Like if we'd tried hard enough we could have changed the outcome. Like we aren't quite acceptable somehow because of how life played out. Not true. I know it's not true. Others, influenced by stigma, look at people like me with some hesitancy, consciously or unconsciously. 

Let me say this is not always the case. Just as I can say, sometimes it is. All I ask is that people find compassion and inclusion for those who have suffered from a decision that was not their own. We are people first, not our tragedy first. We deserve to be talked to, not talked about. We long to feel seen, not feel invisible. We long to be included, not excluded because it might feel awkward. We are building a new life, a new sense of self, a new reality. That in itself is a challenge. We can do without the added stigma.