Just As I Am

You know those mental dialogs we have? Things we say to ourselves. Self-criticisms, inner nagging, or little put downs. Some are old tapes from growing up, from past relationships.   One I find myself saying often is it doesn't matter how I look. I kind of feel invisible. I'm thinking this may be an age thing, or a widow thing. Or both. People look at me, heck I look at me, but does anyone really see me? Have you ever felt that way?

Part of me says I look good enough, or it doesn't matter how I look. Or nobody cares how I look, sometimes myself included. Sometimes I take time to put on makeup, most times I don't. No one gasps at my stunning beauty if I do, or gags if I don't. In the end does it matter? 

Maybe not caring about that is a sign of self-acceptance. I don't have to please anyone but myself. That said I see the beauty in others, in their appearance, their make-up, clothes, personality, their heart. Somehow, it's hard to see that in myself. Why is that?

So many times, growing up, or as a grown up, it's all about looks. Look good, feel good, or so they say. Look like you've got it going. Look composed, look professional, look put together. Truth of the matter, none of us have it put together all of the time. We are works in progress. We are growing, whether we can see the progress or not. We drop the ball, we have human moments, we falter, we long to be seen, heard and loved. Sometimes we don't feel any of those things. I will own that first. I have days I fake it until I hopefully (prayerfully) make it. I struggle with feeling connected. I see other's value and beauty often before my own.

I could sign this entry from a messy person, who's had a messy life full of messy emotions and trauma. But instead, I'll sign it from a healing person, who makes mistakes and learns from them. Who accepts that all the pretty trappings don't necessarily make a person beautiful. Who gets that how I feel is more important than how I look. I feel strong (most days), I feel blessed (all days), I feel capable of using my words, and embracing life as it is today. Even if I wrestle with it first, perhaps more if I wrestle with it first. That said, I'm gonna slap a little make up on today and call it good enough. Tomorrow maybe I won't and that's okay too. Take it or leave it, just as I am.