Giving...

It never fails, on birthdays, holidays, and especially at Christmas I wish I could do more for my kids. Give them more, lavishly, wholeheartedly. I know we don't need things, but still sometimes it's fun to give things. If I could, I'd give them the moon and stars. I'd pave their way, pay their way, shower them with what makes their heart happy. Except, I don't have that much control. Nor, if I know them well, would they want me to.

We each have to find our own joy, and it rarely comes wrapped in Christmas paper under a tree. Joy is more personal. Joy shifts and changes. Joy is lost and found again often in new ways we couldn't predict. It sometimes comes from the ruins of a dream we thought we had wrapped up. 

Even when I know all this from experience, there is the feeling like I should be doing more. Giving more. Like what I offer is not enough. In fact, I can't give more, I can only give what I am and have today. 

Mostly I have life experience, tempered with grief, seasoned with sarcasm & humor, covered in some dog fur and coated with faith. The list of what I thought I'd be, or have, is longer than Santa's list. 

What I have, what I offer is a flawed human, prone to making mistakes. Bundled in good intentions, and God given talents. There is not enough Christmas paper in the world to wrap all that up. I could tie bows until my fingers fall off, and still not tie up all that love. I can only offer it in tangible and intangible ways to those who grace my life. That starts with my kids and spreads from there. So, if I can't give everything I want, know I'm giving all I've got.