One Person's Journey

Anniversaries of the heart are not limited to one day. Often, there are days or weeks of memories. Flashbacks of trauma, days of stress and confusion. Sometimes a clear view of the dysfunction doesn't happen until long after the event.  I kept a journal during the hard times in life. It served me well then, and it serves me well now. Why do I look back? Because it helps to remember that I did all I could. That things were so completely messed up. That I made choices based on what I knew at the time. That I did the best I could. And, that I am a human prone to human moments. We all are.

At times we think back and say, self, it really wasn't that bad. The journal reminds me otherwise. It reminds also me how prayerful I was every day in unbearable circumstances. I understand that while specific prayers went unanswered, other prayers I never put words to were.

A friend said to me recently never forget the sting. Which seemed an odd. Most people would hope for that, long for that. She clarified that my story needs to be told. That someone out there, who I will likely never know, needs to hear it. I don't know for sure how my words will get there, but I believe they will. It's like planting seeds and never seeing them grow. You trust the process.

There are a million different stories of loss and grief due to suicide, all different, none make it easier to accept. The loss impacts who you are to the core. So many lives forever changed by one decision.

As the days countdown to seven years since this loss. I look back and I look forward. I count blessings, I grieve losses. I remember how hard life was. I remember those who sustained me. I recall the pain and the prayers. I trust that the words of a survivor can be balm for someone else. Therein lies the grace. One person's journey can ease another's.