In all my dreams of life, of where it would take me, of what it would hold, losing someone to suicide never entered my mind. Now that it is my reality it will never leave my mind. This, however, is what I have learned....
I have been gifted with others who have walked this path before me. They are like a life line of sorts. They get the reality, and I can say...did you feel...? does it ever...? How do I...? Why didn't I...? When does it...? How can I...?
No doubt those who have ventured down any crushing path in life can relate. Having kindred spirits ahead of you, and yes, behind you makes all the difference. The kindred spirits, become a unique part of your support system.
There are more of us out there than most people know. So many experience the loss to suicide in some way, shape or form. So few share their experience. Luckily I've connected with several who walk my walk, but started before me.
And luckily, I've connected with one so far, who walks behind me. I don't have the answers to a loss that comes with a bazillion questions. I do have a little experience which is valuable to someone with no experience.
I don't know the name of the lady who walks behind me. I met her through work, I see her in the store. If I never know her name, it won't matter. All that matters is that we share pain. She knows she can lean on me whenever our paths cross. I know I can lean on those ahead of me, and support those behind me. Others will join in as I connect in life and because of death. Therein lies the grace, and I'm counting that as a win.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
Practicing The Pause
If nothing else, I feel like my life has been on pause for these last 8 months. Well, life as I knew it has. Those of us who have lost a loved one to suicide wake up from the shock, the fog, the pain and realize they have to reinvent themselves. The old you is no where to be found. Traces remain, but basically, if a person chooses to, they have to rebuild from the ground up.
How else to learn except by practicing. And, then pausing when necessary to get your balance.
I still struggle with isolation. It still hurts when no one says how was your weekend. And I never know when some one says "how are you" if they really mean "how are YOU?", or if they are merely making polite conversation. Often I'll say fine, good...and know that that is not always my reality. It's hard to talk about grief, no one feels comfortable with it. Some just will not try because it is uncomfortable. At this stage of life there is more uncomfortable, than comfortable. And, I know, it won't always be this way. There in lies the grace.
I hate going to social events alone. I hate that people know why I'm going alone. There is that stigma raising it's ugly head. I push myself to go, and while it's not always easy, I do push through. I find I am more introverted. I haven't lost my laugh, it's there somewhere. I have to feel safe to let it out.
I feel like I need to search the radar for others struggling with life. Just in case someone needs a life line, and by some grace of God, I can offer one. I am eternally grateful for those who are my constant life line.
So I practice the pause. I honor the semicolons in life. The times you have to pause as you find your footing again. I pray for those who lost their footing and chose to let go of life. I pray for those who heal from their decisions. It's not a place I ever thought I'd be. But it's life, so I embrace it.
How else to learn except by practicing. And, then pausing when necessary to get your balance.
I still struggle with isolation. It still hurts when no one says how was your weekend. And I never know when some one says "how are you" if they really mean "how are YOU?", or if they are merely making polite conversation. Often I'll say fine, good...and know that that is not always my reality. It's hard to talk about grief, no one feels comfortable with it. Some just will not try because it is uncomfortable. At this stage of life there is more uncomfortable, than comfortable. And, I know, it won't always be this way. There in lies the grace.
I hate going to social events alone. I hate that people know why I'm going alone. There is that stigma raising it's ugly head. I push myself to go, and while it's not always easy, I do push through. I find I am more introverted. I haven't lost my laugh, it's there somewhere. I have to feel safe to let it out.
I feel like I need to search the radar for others struggling with life. Just in case someone needs a life line, and by some grace of God, I can offer one. I am eternally grateful for those who are my constant life line.
So I practice the pause. I honor the semicolons in life. The times you have to pause as you find your footing again. I pray for those who lost their footing and chose to let go of life. I pray for those who heal from their decisions. It's not a place I ever thought I'd be. But it's life, so I embrace it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Girl Friends
Raise your hand if your head is held above water by your girlfriends. See that person jumping up down waving their hands? Yup, that's me. Thankful ever so thankful for girlfriends.
Let me list some of them. There is the one who texts me multiple times a day, every day. There is the one who chats with me on Facebook literally every night. There are the coworker friends, past and present. There are friends who bring me leftovers. Friends who talk dogs to me. Pet therapy friends. A friend who I met because I loved consignment shopping, and she owned the store. She is also one who helped me store my sanity, among other things, when it was in danger for a while. I have friends who paint by my side. Who are always ready to share a bottle of wine. Who give me open invitations to holler if I need something. Friends who have walked my same journey and assure me I'll survive.
Sometimes I feel alone in life. It's been rugged for quite some time. But then I stop to count my friends. I don't have to see them daily, most times I'm lucky to see them monthly. Sometimes it's months between visits, or longer. Still they are there beside me.
Take a look at those who sustain you, those you are safe to laugh and cry with, those who light up your world with friendship and laughter. Then give thanks. We couldn't do life without them. So, thank you dear friends, thank you.
Let me list some of them. There is the one who texts me multiple times a day, every day. There is the one who chats with me on Facebook literally every night. There are the coworker friends, past and present. There are friends who bring me leftovers. Friends who talk dogs to me. Pet therapy friends. A friend who I met because I loved consignment shopping, and she owned the store. She is also one who helped me store my sanity, among other things, when it was in danger for a while. I have friends who paint by my side. Who are always ready to share a bottle of wine. Who give me open invitations to holler if I need something. Friends who have walked my same journey and assure me I'll survive.
Sometimes I feel alone in life. It's been rugged for quite some time. But then I stop to count my friends. I don't have to see them daily, most times I'm lucky to see them monthly. Sometimes it's months between visits, or longer. Still they are there beside me.
Take a look at those who sustain you, those you are safe to laugh and cry with, those who light up your world with friendship and laughter. Then give thanks. We couldn't do life without them. So, thank you dear friends, thank you.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
All Around Us
Ever notice how you see things in multiples? You think about buying a red car, and you see red cars everywhere. You fall in love with a lab puppy, and you see lab puppies all over. It is about heightened awareness. For someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, you become uber aware of others losses to suicide.
I read somewhere this week that at least 6 peoples lives are completely changed from the loss of someone to suicide. Irrevocably changed, at least 6, sometimes more. It's not something you get over, at best it's something you get through. Each day it's a different challenge. Some days you hold on by the thinnest thread, some days you step forward, sometimes you step back, some days you merely huddle until you can move again.
Thus far, I find the isolation so difficult. No one speaks of Gordon, or the choice that took his life. No one speaks of the good memories, although I hope sometime they will. It is like a whole section of life vanished as if it never existed. I myself struggle with talking about it so I take responsibility as well.
It's not something that happens only to some people, it is all around us. Like those red cars and lab puppies, but infinitely painful. I am being led by faith down this road. I will write about it, and as this type of loss is all around us, I hope to ease another's pain by owning and sharing the journey.
I read somewhere this week that at least 6 peoples lives are completely changed from the loss of someone to suicide. Irrevocably changed, at least 6, sometimes more. It's not something you get over, at best it's something you get through. Each day it's a different challenge. Some days you hold on by the thinnest thread, some days you step forward, sometimes you step back, some days you merely huddle until you can move again.
Thus far, I find the isolation so difficult. No one speaks of Gordon, or the choice that took his life. No one speaks of the good memories, although I hope sometime they will. It is like a whole section of life vanished as if it never existed. I myself struggle with talking about it so I take responsibility as well.
It's not something that happens only to some people, it is all around us. Like those red cars and lab puppies, but infinitely painful. I am being led by faith down this road. I will write about it, and as this type of loss is all around us, I hope to ease another's pain by owning and sharing the journey.
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Broken Open
Ever notice how when someone asks if you need anything, if you need help, that our first instinct is to say no. At least, I'm this way. It's okay, I've got it. No, I don't need anything. I'll often go without, or do it myself later, and let the offer go. Not that I didn't appreciate the offer, I just have trouble accepting the offer. And yet, I love when I can help someone else. Why can't I love when someone wants to help me? Sometimes I'll go back and say, on second thought, I could really use this, or that. Thank God for second thoughts and second chances.
I read a fabulous line a a book recently. It said "You can be broken or broken open. That choice is yours." God bless Erica Bauermeister for that wisdom. Last I checked all of us get broken at some point in our lives. But it's the broken open part that provides the grace.
It involves two parts. First we have to acknowledge the broken, and then we have to embrace being open.
Think of a time someone said, let me know if I can ever help. That's a tough favor to call in if it's been forever ago. Even if it was yesterday, or last week or months ago. When we are really broken it's hard to be open. We hide behind the broken, because it's discomfort is at least familiar. Ahhh, to warm up to being broken open. To acknowledge growth need not be self isolating. Growth involves nurturing from our selves and others.
Others nurture by virtue of helping. Which in turn heals the broken. Which are you right now? Are you in a broken season, or are you embracing being broken open? Or are you willing to help the broken? Twice recently I initially said no. One to a long standing offer for help, and one a recent offer for help. Twice I've chosen to break open and say yes, be there for me.
If we have to be broken, be broken open. I wish that for me, and for you. I wish that for all of us.
I read a fabulous line a a book recently. It said "You can be broken or broken open. That choice is yours." God bless Erica Bauermeister for that wisdom. Last I checked all of us get broken at some point in our lives. But it's the broken open part that provides the grace.
It involves two parts. First we have to acknowledge the broken, and then we have to embrace being open.
Think of a time someone said, let me know if I can ever help. That's a tough favor to call in if it's been forever ago. Even if it was yesterday, or last week or months ago. When we are really broken it's hard to be open. We hide behind the broken, because it's discomfort is at least familiar. Ahhh, to warm up to being broken open. To acknowledge growth need not be self isolating. Growth involves nurturing from our selves and others.
Others nurture by virtue of helping. Which in turn heals the broken. Which are you right now? Are you in a broken season, or are you embracing being broken open? Or are you willing to help the broken? Twice recently I initially said no. One to a long standing offer for help, and one a recent offer for help. Twice I've chosen to break open and say yes, be there for me.
If we have to be broken, be broken open. I wish that for me, and for you. I wish that for all of us.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Use Your Words
I've been pondering, struggling, wondering. And it all spins around words. I've never been very good about using my words. Sure I can hold conversations, mostly say the right things. I've got words in blogs, I've a whole vocabulary of words in the shape of prayers. But saying how I really feel, what I will and won't tolerate, that's a whole different thing. That, my friends is my goal. To push past the old ways and to build new ways.
I've been thinking about where I am in life, the grief of losing a loved one to suicide. People are not comfortable talking about that. Before this, neither was I. We hit the safe topics, the easy conversations, but the one thing that has impacted every piece of my world is pushed away because it's scary, it's awkward, it's messy.
I accept the scary, the awkward, the messy. I accept that I am not, and will not ever be the same. The isolation sucks, the never ending questions in your mind are exhausting. It's bizarre to feel both completely invisible and totally visible all at the same time. I also get that I may not want to share everything with everyone. That's never a good thing.
But, and there is always a but, we need words, we need them for healing, for humor, to feel connected. It's okay to reach out to me and to others, to talk about the losses we feel. It's better to say I don't know what to say, than to say nothing at all. Start with a 'remember when' story, or a shared memory. My challenge is to use my words to reach out when I need to, because, we all need to be heard. I am not the same, but as I discover the new me, and as you do the same in your life walk, let's use our words.
I've been thinking about where I am in life, the grief of losing a loved one to suicide. People are not comfortable talking about that. Before this, neither was I. We hit the safe topics, the easy conversations, but the one thing that has impacted every piece of my world is pushed away because it's scary, it's awkward, it's messy.
I accept the scary, the awkward, the messy. I accept that I am not, and will not ever be the same. The isolation sucks, the never ending questions in your mind are exhausting. It's bizarre to feel both completely invisible and totally visible all at the same time. I also get that I may not want to share everything with everyone. That's never a good thing.
But, and there is always a but, we need words, we need them for healing, for humor, to feel connected. It's okay to reach out to me and to others, to talk about the losses we feel. It's better to say I don't know what to say, than to say nothing at all. Start with a 'remember when' story, or a shared memory. My challenge is to use my words to reach out when I need to, because, we all need to be heard. I am not the same, but as I discover the new me, and as you do the same in your life walk, let's use our words.
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Tis The Season
Tis the season. The Christmas season, the season of anticipation, of joy, of hope. Perhaps that is the most important gift of all. Hope. Where would we be without it?
In all honesty, life threw some huge hardships to our family this year. You just never know when life as you know it will be altered. So I will admit to struggling a bit with the season and all it holds. I'll own struggling with life on a day-to-day basis. Each day is hard, but not all of every day is hard. Most days I cry at least once, and if I miss a day, I catch up in spades the next day. But, we know I'm a weepy woman during the best of times, so no surprise here. I laugh some, I cry some. That's just me.
I've put up a "tree" of sorts, and try to sing the songs of the season. Face it, I didn't miss my calling in the music industry. I have lost some of the spirit of the season, but I embrace the hope of the season. I watch and see the joy others have, and know that someday it will be mine again. So I am grateful for those full of joy, you guide my heart.
I don't know where you are in life, but I hope it is a place of comfort and joy. You know, tidings of comfort and joy. I pray we see the magic of the season, and that our pockets are full of light and love, rather than lumps of coal. You see, we have a choice, in all the seasons of our lives. We have a choice. I choose faith, I choose joy, I choose hope. And that gets me through each day. It gives me exactly what I need when I need it. I wish you the very same.
In all honesty, life threw some huge hardships to our family this year. You just never know when life as you know it will be altered. So I will admit to struggling a bit with the season and all it holds. I'll own struggling with life on a day-to-day basis. Each day is hard, but not all of every day is hard. Most days I cry at least once, and if I miss a day, I catch up in spades the next day. But, we know I'm a weepy woman during the best of times, so no surprise here. I laugh some, I cry some. That's just me.
I've put up a "tree" of sorts, and try to sing the songs of the season. Face it, I didn't miss my calling in the music industry. I have lost some of the spirit of the season, but I embrace the hope of the season. I watch and see the joy others have, and know that someday it will be mine again. So I am grateful for those full of joy, you guide my heart.
I don't know where you are in life, but I hope it is a place of comfort and joy. You know, tidings of comfort and joy. I pray we see the magic of the season, and that our pockets are full of light and love, rather than lumps of coal. You see, we have a choice, in all the seasons of our lives. We have a choice. I choose faith, I choose joy, I choose hope. And that gets me through each day. It gives me exactly what I need when I need it. I wish you the very same.
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