I think the hardest lesson to learn is....not yet. When will it happen? Not yet. When will that prayer be answered? Not yet. Is the pain ever going to subside. Not yet.
Not Yet is hard on the good days. Harder still on the holidays. Holidays are rough. I took food to a friend in need today and during the conversation I discovered I was the one in need. I was the weepy one, and she was the strong one. I wanted to give support and I felt like I needed it more. Because I will own that I am in a Not Yet time of life. She is too actually. Perhaps the combination of our Not Yets made it all more poignant.
The not knowing if I am where I need to be in life is a recurring Not Yet. The am I doing enough is another Not Yet. The worry over financial issues. The will I always be alone. Will I make it all work. Will I ever know the answers? ...maybe not, but definitely Not Yet.
Will the waves of grief soften and dissipate, no Not Yet. Those waves happen when you least expect it. There is no rhyme or reason. Bam, they just happen. So you wonder, will this ever stop....Not Yet.
Today I struggle with that. Face it, I want to fix it, and it's not mine to fix. So there I am. In between, praying for answers, stepping forward but with admitted uncertainty. My guess is that many of us travel that same path. Moving forward, waiting, struggling, wondering if it's time. So I try to find some peace in the Not Yet. Or, at least, attempt to wrestle with it less. I'll set it down, and not pick it up, not yet.
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