Every Day A Choice

Just about three years ago my husband chose to end his life. So September is a hard month, a time of great reflection. This is what I have learned about life. Every day we have a choice. A choice that nurtures life, a choice to hold steady without growth or regression, a choice to let go of life in tiny increments or in singular acts of destruction. All of those options require enormous energy. So I have to ask, where am I putting my energy? Where are you putting yours? 

I know at the core of things, we have to be able to ask for help. Is it easy? Oh hell no. Not many of us are comfortable, and/or fluent in asking for help. That he was unwilling, or unable to ask for help is part of the tragedy. If we could love someone enough to keep them alive we would. We can only do so much and the rest is up to them. 

I have been vastly changed by his decision. It's taking time to find my way in life again, it's hard for me to be open with people I don't know. It's hard to trust that good things will come. I hold things closer and observe more deeply. Okay, let's just say I overthink things. I am always aware of the stigma and isolation that comes with being a survivor of suicide loss. I know my story often precedes me. I know it will always define my life. I've lost relationships because of his death. I've doubted, I've wondered, I've asked why. I will never know, nor will I have the capacity to understand, how profound the pain was that death was the option he chose.

I look back at journal entries from when he was struggling, when we were struggling. I see how many times I prayed for his safety, for my safety, for healing.  And....I know those prayers were heard. I know they were answered in the way they were meant to. Not how I asked, but according to a bigger plan. The loss of a loved one forces us to examine life, to sift through our regrets, to sort out what was mine and what wasn't. In their moment of despair, their moment of choice, they have no clue that when their pain ends, the family and friends pain begins.

So we deal with the fallout. Every single day. In a myriad of ways. Grueling baby steps, and down the road, easier strides fueled by faith and hope. And....God willing, we make choices that nurture life. We ask for help, we accept help, we find ways to help others. We never forget, but our story isn't over yet, so we press on. If you are pressing on, still writing your story, know you are not alone. Be not afraid, ask for help, know you are loved.