For Them We Speak

Three years ago life changed. A man let go of his tenuous hold on life, and we were left wondering how, wondering why. And....what could we have done differently. You know what? There are no answers to that. 

We weren't included in his decision, just changed by it. He struggled. We all struggle at some point in life. In the struggle we have the opportunity to grow. We face strife and mind boggling disappointment. We learn to adapt. We lose things we love, we certainly lose our way. Most of us find a new way. 

I know from struggling with depression what a slippery slope mental health can be. It can sneak up on you and you don't realize how sick you are. I know also that you have to own your struggle, own your truth. You have to dig deep to reach out for help. There is no shame in that, in fact, there is much to admire about that. 

Three years ago he made a choice and the horizon tilted for those who knew and loved him. Everyone's experience with him was different, so each loss is profoundly different. Some feel just the loss, some feel the loss and the stigma of his choice. Some have fond memories wrapped in sadness. Some feel torn by both good and bad memories. Some withdraw in sorrow and never speak of it again. Some unwrap it, examine it, and share it to make an easier path for others who follow.

My husband died by suicide. Even when you live that reality, day in and day out, it is hard to speak that truth. It is hard to speak the words to the world, because it is painful to do so, and because the world doesn't want to hear them.The world is willing to judge, question, and whisper about those who die by their own hand, and those who survive them. But the world also wants to think, wants to believe, it could never happen to them. It is a scary truth. Shhh, Don't talk about it openly. Instead talk in secret circles about it creating layers and layers of isolation. Because of his choice, I have never been more visible and invisible in all my life. Therein lies the grace. His choice changed me and I will speak of my experience. I will speak of the sorrows, the truths, the stigma, because in real life mental health issues and suicide are still taboo subjects.

No one chooses this path. No one chooses to struggle with mental health. No one would chose this kind of loss. Some fight the battle, some lose the war. For them we speak...