Juggling

 Do you ever wonder if life will get easier? Do you wonder if the worst is over, or is it yet to come. I know that sounds pessimistic and full of worry. Do you ever wonder how others juggle all the balls and keep them neatly in the air? I wonder, sometimes, where my motivation went, and will it ever return. Will there always be a hollow spot that joy never quite finds?

I pause and remember that life has been hard. I've been juggling for a long time, bobbling some, saving some, and completely dropping some of the balls. I bet I'm not alone. Honestly, I'm about all widowed out, all pandemic'd out, all grieved out. Except, some of those thing never go away. Hopefully, the pandemic will pass and life, sort of, as we knew it will return. 

However, we have been changed, so life has been changed. It will be different and yet one can hope some familiar things remain. It will be different and I hope we are molded into something kinder, wiser, smarter. 

I had this grand idea when I moved back here that my lonely days would be over. Sometimes we are beautifully naive. Or hopeful, or both. I also never envisioned I'd be divorced once, widowed once and in a world wide pandemic. I was just hoping to have fries with my burger, a milkshake for dessert and live happily ever after. Maybe it is a good thing I was naive and hopeful. 

Which leaves me with the challenge of finding my way again. Sorting out what feels good in my life, what makes my heart feel whole. What baggage to cast aside. Or at least unpack an item at a time, examine and release. In the midst of all this I strive to find peace in being alone. Not alone, alone...you know. Because I have deep connections that sustain me. Just alone to a degree every day. And I chuckle, because I know some people would love to have more alone time. They would love to have my baggage instead of their own. They'd be thrilled with the burger and fries and never wish for the milkshake. Life is funny that way.

So while I wonder if life will ever get easier, I need to count the thousands of ways it has. I need to gather my blessings in a gentle embrace. I need to give thanks, and I need to feed my faith. I need to be gentle with myself as I heal. Life is a mix of bitter and sweet. And...as we juggle we drop some balls along the way. That makes us human. In those most human moments we learn. We heal, we grow, and we move on. We find our way back, we create a new life.