How is it that the rain on the roof, which is a sound I love, sounds very lonely sometimes. How is it standing my ground, choosing my battles, and establishing boundaries sometimes feels like a loss instead of a win. How do I step out in faith only to wait, and then wait some more. How do I live my best life. Full stop.
Okay, I don't have answers to any of these questions. I trust the answers will come. But I will own it's uncomfortable to wonder when. I long for easy as I wrestle with the hard. I'd prefer not to have to be strong. Couldn't I just be soft, content and fully supported? Why do I struggle to have a strong decisive voice, when in fact I am slow to process so I miss the immediate opportunities to ask questions, to be clear and upfront. I do get around to the heart of the matter, but not right away. I wish I was faster, but I'm not. I do sometimes have a quick wit, but otherwise I take the long way around the thinking process. I'm on the scenic route while others are on the fast track. Things like this make us who we are, and yet we struggle with being who we are.
I don't know about you, but I am just weary. I long for hugs. I miss what was normal and I'm not sure what normal will look like again. I wonder if I'm learning the lessons I am supposed to be learning with the journeys life has taken me on. We have lost a year they say, but have we gained a greater perspective? I am glad that the worst is over. Well, at least I hope the worst is over. I think I can safely say the worst of winter is over and seeing growth in the garden is such a sign of hope. We need more signs of hope. We need more light, more points of light, more lightness in our hearts.
When in doubt I dig deeper for gratitude. I could complain, bitch, gripe and moan. Okay, sometimes I do complain, bitch, gripe and moan. But it doesn't take me as quite as far as counting blessings does. But we long to be heard. We long to be heard in our frustrations, worries and our joys. So sometimes we have to do the bitching to find the release, which gives us space to find our gratitude. Which lets the light in. Letting the light in it gives us light to share with others. So...if you are the light, I thank you. If I am the light, may I share it with you.
This is so good, I sometimes feel that this winter will never end and good things may not come at all. Paranoia sets in and the dread that comes from past fears and disappointments appear out of nowhere. I love the fact that we get a little more light at the end of the day, but upset when we lose an hour of time every year. In all of it I guess I look at it like this, our thoughts come and go all the time, good and bad, my job is to give more attention to the good and less to the bad. Let them come, I call them my Anxiety Know it alls, but to not pay attention to them, pretty soon they go away and come less knowing that they do not matter. I hope I make some sort of sense. You are more than a light to so many Nancy.
ReplyDeleteAlways enjoy your perspectives Carla. Some winters in our life do feel unending. I get that
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