The Tenuous Grasp on Life

Sometimes time flies, sometimes it creeps at a snail's pace. Today marks five years ago that life ended for one, and life changed for many. We can't know for certain what tipped the scales and why death became the decision. We know at the time life was hard, mental and physical health was in jeopardy, and in an instant, there was no going back.

I have pondered a million times the days leading up to that choice. We wonder, we wish, we long for second chances that never came. We wish the prayers we prayed before that had been answered a different way. How does one make that decision and then act upon it? We can't know unless we've walked that path.

There are days we all have a tenuous grasp on life. Yet we find a way to stay the course. We do that with the love of family/friends, faith, with the help of mental health professionals. We do that with therapy, antidepressants and anxiety med's if need be. We do it with tears in our eyes, and fear in our heart. We do it because life is precious and because there is help to be had if we are open to it. In this case all of those things were available, all of them. 

Some people will always look at survivors of suicide loss with judgement which adds to the stigma. Some exclude us, never ever mention that time in life. Personally, it's like my whole married life vanished that day.  People act differently because they don't know what to say or how to say it. In their mind we represent scary things in life. And by distancing from us a false sense of security is had. I can only imagine he felt a pain filled isolation with his struggle, and after his pain ended, his survivor's carry that burden.

I can't change what happened, but I can speak my truth. I can own the pain, the sadness, the sense of loss and the reality that suicide is not just out there. It happens in our families, or our work world, in our schools, in our social networks. People choose to die, and it doesn't have to be this way. 

They say the further out you get it gets easier. I'd say it gets different. There is nothing easy about it. The further out though, the less it gets spoken of. And yet, we never forget. We know the tragedy we are a part of. We know of good memories and bad, the in sickness and in health. We know it didn't have to be this way. So, for those who have lost their battle I speak up. I say there is help available. I say you are not alone. I say it's okay to not be okay.