You know what I miss? I miss compliments. Affirmation. Feeling valued and attractive. I've kinda given up on makeup and primping. Part of that fell away when masks were a requirement. Part I think is due to experiencing traumatic loss. I've felt invisible. Like no one really sees me. I imagine I've taken on a different role; I feel like I have less value because of being a widow, especially a widow whose spouse chose to die. I know, it's complicated. It's not right. It's jacked up. There is some truth there mixed with the weight of stigma. Part of me gave up on feeling good, on believing in good relationships, on imagining other possibilities. The pandemic didn't help with that. Owning it is the first step.
I put some makeup on for a photo recently. No one seemed to notice any difference. But when I joked about it a coworker said, but didn't you feel better for doing it? Which got me thinking...did I feel better for doing it? Or did I feel bad for not doing it? I'm not sure I know the answer to either question, but it's definitely food for thought. Sometimes it's easier not to feel. Sometimes we have to dig deep for the feelings.
So, I pause to consider what my window to the world looks like. What I miss, what I value, what I bring to the table. What is real and true. Maybe it's an age thing, this feeling of loss. Maybe it's a multitude of things. Some related, some not related. It's where I am, and I find it confusing.
Once again, I'm owning hard things. Where do you fall into this picture? What makes you feel seen, valued, attractive? Has it changed over the years? Can you relate?
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